My Empty Womb

Reflections from my empty womb to His empty tomb. Jesus Christ, my Savior, and yours, suffered even more than we can imagine. He felt every single pain and emotion that we would experience on this journey called life. He knows each and every single person. He knows their strengths and their weaknesses. He knows their trials and triumphs. He understands heartache and pain more than I ever will. Christ suffered and died for the sins of the world. He took that weight upon himself. Because of His great sacrifice, it gives me hope. I know that He knows me. He understands me. He loves me. Because of Him, we have the gift of repentance. To fall short, repent, and try again. Christ lives! His tomb is empty because He lives! He lives and my son too will live again. He is always there during our trials. We may not feel him, but He knows what we are going through. He sends angels to help comfort us. Sometimes those angels are relatives who have past on and sometimes they are our earthly angels; family, friends, and neighbors. 

If you are going through a trial in your life that seems to heavy to bear, pray to have your burdened lifted, even for just a moment to help you through your trying times. I have done that many times and have felt the burden lifted for a time. Prayer is so powerful. You must have faith. Faith that God can do anything. Miracles happen every single day around the world. Look for miracles in your life. Focus on gratitude. Have you ever offered a genuine prayer of gratitude, asking for nothing in your prayer, but praising God for your life and the many blessings you already have or have had? I once took a challenge to offer a prayer of gratitude that lasted 20 minutes. Do you know how hard that was? I think I checked the time about 6 minutes in because I had run out of things to say. Try it. It is eye opening. There is so much to be truly grateful for. The night I found out my baby had no heartbeat, I prayed and thanked my Father in Heaven for this trial. I don't have all the answers as to what I am supposed to learn, but I know it is for my benefit. To humble me, to strengthen me, to have more understanding and empathy towards others who have gone through this, to push me out of my comfort zone, to become even more authentic, to refine me, and the list goes on...

As I am writing this, there is less than 5 minutes remaining and my baby will have been born exactly one week ago. Where has the time gone? It seems to have gone by so quickly. It is like a blur. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, eating, taking care of children, carpooling, sleeping, it all still took place. The world didn't stop just because my baby passed away. I remember my cousins funeral 11 years ago. It seemed so weird that the world still continued to turn. People were still driving around running errands, or going to lunch. Who knows what they were doing, but the world didn't stop. People still went home to their families. Life continued on for most of the world that day and only a small percent of the world even knew about my cousin's death.

I went into the hospital on Tuesday for an ultrasound. They check to make sure it is empty and things have cleared out. I've never had an ultrasound on an empty womb. I fought back tears. Less than 72 hours prior it was occupied. Occupied with a baby. Occupied with an earthly body. Occupied with a miracle. And yet the little heart inside of my womb had stopped beating 5 weeks prior. My womb is empty and my heart is heavy. 

My Empty Womb

Through muscle testing, which is a way to give your spirit a voice, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating on November 3rd in the morning. A friend and I were driving home that day from St. George. We had just attended the Energy Healing Conference on Saturday. I was able to go to some of the classes as well as help my friend at her booth. Anyway, we were driving home and we began doing an energy session on me. What came up was that I was disconnected to my angels. I thought that was a little interesting because I do not have the gift of seeing them, or hearing them, and very very rarely do I feel their presence, so in a sense, I feel I'm always disconnected from them. Another friend of mine a few years back was telling me she talks to her guardian angels every day. I admit, I thought she was a little crazy. And you all are probably thinking I'm a little crazy... I had never even thought that angels were always with us. I kinda thought they showed up in an emergency type situation. Another friend said she had never met anyone who didn't have two angels with them at all times. So this whole angel idea was new to me. 

Back to my energy session. My friend asked if my baby had a message for me. We found the message was in the Emotions and Essential Oils book under Holiday Peace. The message was "Holiday Peace... reminds that there are seasons and cycles for all living things." I remember feeling my energy shift. Our brains can think and process extremely quickly. I remember thinking uh-oh. And then my mind said I am fine, I have carried 3 healthy children, nothing is wrong. Then I had a flash back of me talking to a woman one day at lunch who was pregnant with triplets and lost one during pregnancy and she said that the spirit goes straight up when it leaves the body. Then I imagined how that would feel. All this took place in a matter of seconds and I snapped back into the present moment and pushed it all away and thought I'm fine. 

I don't know why, maybe hormones, but you have crazy thoughts when you are pregnant. You are always worried that you haven't felt the baby move or something could be wrong. So I thought what happened above was natural and pushed it away thinking it was just irrational, crazy pregnant woman thoughts. I found out through muscle testing weeks later, that my baby had actually passed away before he gave me that message. So my spirit knew what had happened and was feeling disconnected to my baby. Insert a whole wave of emotions as I type this all out. 

How interesting that the message from my baby was under Holiday Peace. We were going to announce we were expecting on Thanksgiving. I found out on November 15th that my baby had no heartbeat. I delivered him over 3 weeks later on December 7th. Right in the middle of two holidays. If you read the whole page on Holiday Peace, it is the oil of contemplation. It talks a lot about  reflecting on wisdom gained from the past and on generational healing. Something I have been working on through energy work since May. I occasionally will feel my ancestors near who need work done. Holiday Peace "...offers reassurance to the individual being called as the living link to heal the family line for past and future generations and encourages them to make peace within and without." I am that living link.

My Angel on a Tree

I'm learning so much through this trial. I attended a Share Parent meeting at Logan Regional Hospital last night. I had no idea a support group even existed until my friend told me about it. At the beginning you go around and share who you are and about your children on both sides of the veil. You can share as much or as little as you want. It was eye opening to see how many miscarriages women have had. Some had lost up to 4 children due to miscarriages. My heart goes out to them. We got to color an angel for each of our losses and hang it on the angel tree that sits in the lobby of the Women's Center. My heart sunk as I saw a line to write a name and a death date. I don't like the word death. It also reminded me that I still haven't chosen a name for my little one yet. It has been on my mind. My little angel is near the top and looking out the window.  

Share Parents is a group who help women at the hospital who have just given birth to a baby who has previously passed on. They are the ones who come in and take photos of your baby and make little molds of their hands and feet. They often give you a little blanket for your little one. They have been through their own losses and can relate. These are priceless gifts that each mother is given. My friends who have gone through this at the hospital truly cherish these priceless gifts of the molds and photographs. Share Parents has many resources on their website. This website is specific to Utah.

I also found out that there is an option if your baby dies before 20 weeks to have the baby cremated and the ashes placed in a vault in Baby Land in the Logan Cemetery. I had a few friends recently tell me about this. I had no idea that existed. A few women chose to buy burial plots. You can also have your baby buried at the bottom of your burial plot, so you would share the same plot with your baby.

A friend and I were texting the other day and she wrote "A loss is a loss." So often we compare, but she is right, a loss is a loss. May we always be kind to others and love them unconditionally as they navigate this life. We were not sent here to judge one another, but to lift, encourage, and strengthen one another. 

Adversity

It is true that I have not asked the questions "Why? Why me?" in this trial. I have asked those questions during different times throughout my life, but not now. 

About 8 months ago I was teaching the young women in my ward. I found great insight in the book True to the Faith on the topic of Adversity. Beginning on page 8 it reads "As part of Heavenly Father’s plan of redemption, you experience adversity during mortality. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress as you turn to the Lord. Responding to Adversity with Faith: Your success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on your responses to the difficulties of life. An account in the Book of Mormon illustrates different responses to adversity. The prophet Lehi and his family had been traveling in the wilderness for several days, using their bows and arrows to hunt for food. The family encountered difficulties when Lehi’s sons lost the use of their bows. Laman and Lemuel’s bows lost their spring, and Nephi’s broke. Hungry and tired, Laman and Lemuel began to complain against the Lord. Even Lehi began to murmur. Nephi, on the other hand, refused to be discouraged. He went to work. He recounted: “I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food?” Humbled because of Nephi’s words, Lehi asked the Lord where they should go for food. The Lord answered his prayers and led Nephi to a place where he could obtain food. (See 1 Nephi 16:15–31.) When some people face adversity, they are like Laman and Lemuel. They complain and become bitter. They ask questions like “Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this now? What have I done to deserve this?” But these questions have the power to dominate their thoughts. Such questions can overtake their vision, absorb their energy, and deprive them of the experiences the Lord wants them to receive. Rather than responding in this way, you should follow Nephi’s example. Consider asking questions such as, “What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?” 

There have been many times I have murmured in life, even to the point of wondering if I am related to Laman and Lemuel. In the past I have let myself be a victim and ask those questions that have power to dominate my thoughts, and they did. This trial is different. It is one of the hardest trials I have ever faced and yet I have felt so much peace. I feel that is partly because of my faith and partly because of the prayers of others who I know are praying mightily on my behalf. To those who are praying for me, I thank you with all my heart, because I truly feel them. I feel they have made my burden light. Thank you for taking a few moments out of your busy lives to think about me and pray for me.

A friend reached out to me and asked me to share how I have "been of good cheer" through this trial. She was gathering stories of others for her talk on Sunday, what they have done to be of good cheer during trying times. This was my response: Even in the deepest moments of despair, we can choose gratitude. We can praise God for all He has freely given us. We can thank God for the trial and ask what lessons and hidden treasures there are in store. We can keep an eternal perspective. We can reflect on past blessings as a way to strengthen our testimony and keep us faithful during our trials. We can picture being wrapped in the loving arms of our Savior, for He is the only one who can truly understand the emotions we are dealing with. We can surround ourselves with people who love, support, and encourage us. We can choose to listen to uplifting music. We can journal and express our deepest thoughts. (Welcome to my journal.) We can pray and ask for angels to help comfort us. Yes, we can do all of these things or none of these things, but we must remember, it is a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our circumstances or we can choose to be victorious and be a light in this world. We all have trials. There are people who are suffering even more than we can imagine. In this trial, I choose light. I choose strength. I choose hope. I choose to turn to Christ and lean on His strength when I am weak. I will add that agency was our 1st gift. We have the gift to choose.

Yesterday I allowed myself time to grieve after I put my baby down for his morning nap. I drew a hot bath, grabbed my iPod, and a sugar cookie. I cried and I cried. My heart is hurting. I was angry that I didn't have more time to spend with my son because I had to turn my focus away from him and on to me so I didn't loose my life. I am angry I didn't even turn him over to see the right side of his tiny body. I was angry I didn't get a photo with him. I was angry mostly about my time being cut short with him to mourn right after he was born. He seemed perfect to me and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about my son. I was too exhausted after I got home from the E.R. and as you know when I picked up his tiny body, he was cold, so I wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in his tiny casket. While crying I prayed. I prayed for understanding. I remembered a priesthood blessing a neighbor had given me right after I found out my baby had no heartbeat. In the blessing I was told that in the future the reasons would be made clear. Then I felt Heavenly Father say to me that I chose this plan. I knew what was ahead on this mortal journey. Then He reminded me of my patriarchal blessing and how I am to be a light to others and influence many for good while I am here upon the earth. In recent years I have wondered how many is "many"? Ten people? Over a hundred people? Thousands? Tens of thousands? Who knows? Here I am just being me really. Raw, real, open, and authentic.

I would like to say thank you to those who have been reading my blog. Thank you for sharing it with others who may need to read what I have written. I am honored you are here on this journey with me.

Poem: What Makes a Mother

A dear friend shared this with me.

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say: “A Mother has a baby This we know is true.” “But God can you be a Mother When your baby’s not with you?” “Yes, you can,” He replied With confidence in His voice “I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice.” “Some I send for a lifetime And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb But there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this, God I want my baby here.” He took a breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw a tear. “I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile With other children and say: “We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep On her pillow’s where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her check And whisper in her ear “Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” So, you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay. Your babies are here in My home And this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me Until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home They’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother It’s the feelings in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one.

Grief

Over 300 people read my first entry An Unexpected Curve Ball. There were also over 300 people who read He Is Here. Those were my main blog entries regarding my journey, but if you didn't know...there were posts between those two main entries as well as more afterward.

Shortly after I found out my baby had no heartbeat, I was at a thrift store and came across a book by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed. The book is only 76 pages and I decided to read through it to see how I could relate. If I ever write a book, it better be less than a 100 pages. I prefer quick, easy, to the point books. Why oh why do people think they need to be over 300 pages? As a type 1 woman, I have lots of ideas, lots of interests, and lots of books I want to read. I will start 3-5 books in a week only to make it through 1 chapter in each book because I will get distracted by another good book that I want to read before the books I was already reading. Ya.....I know I'm not the only one out there who does this. I even began reading the book Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done by Jon Acuff, and ironically I didn't even finish it! Ha ha! I read half of A Grief Observed one night after I put my kiddos to bed. I wasn't even that interested in his book a few pages in, no offense to those who have read it. Reading it made me sad, not because of his grief, or my own grief, but sad that he didn't have the bigger picture like I do. The eternal perspective. The knowledge and reassurance that my baby is an angel and he is sealed to me through all eternity. 

The next evening I told myself I was going to give myself the gift of finishing so I could say not only did I start something, but by golly I finished it! So I finished it! Yay for me! There is one part that I want to share with you. I did not cry when I read it, but it was the only thing that tugged at my heart. I normally don't cry when I write my blog....I just brain dump. I don't even proof read my own stuff. Words just travel from my brain, down through my fingertips, and onto a blank canvas. I'm sure if I read this post tomorrow, I will most likely cry. 

C.S. Lewis writes "What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness has not lost a greater things, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."

Today was a busy day which made it hard because I wanted to schedule time to grieve and it just didn't happen. I had 2 trips to the hospital. The 1st was for an ultrasound to make sure my womb was empty. The 2nd was to get another ultrasound in radiology due to a possible blood clot in my leg. My day began at 7:30 a.m.: Wake up, make waffles, alarm goes off to head to the hospital, Ultrasound, see doctor, Christmas shopping, energy session, picked up kindergartner, back to the hospital, store for candy for class party, pick up school kids, back to store for a birthday present, home, laundry, headache, dishes, empty garbage, eat dinner, spent a few minutes talking to our dear friends who brought us dinner, a few tears shed, bathe baby and get him to sleep and get older kids to bed. It was late and I had tucked my kiddos in bed and sat down to write. Then my oldest came upstairs because he needed to finish wrapping a present for his friend's birthday party tomorrow. Then my daughter came up and reminded me we needed an 8 x 8 piece of cardboard wrapped in tin foil for an art project at school tomorrow. She also told me she had growing pains and needed an energy session. So I quickly worked on her and then my son asked for an energy session as well. By this point I was beyond tired. It was a busy day and where I released so much emotion yesterday, my body would have benefited from a nap. I was shooing them out of the kitchen so I could take time for me to be alone and grieve. It dawned on me that I really have not cried in front of my children. I need them to see that it is okay to grieve when you need to and there is no shame in crying in front of others. I don't want to send them the wrong messages that I'm not sad because they don't see it or that you have to hide how you are feeling. I will be having a talk with them tomorrow about emotions and healthy ways to express their emotions.

Another song that hit close to home on the radio. I love listening to K-Love! It lifts my soul!

Broken Hallelujah - The Afters

I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where you are

I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But you're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know you make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to you
Here's my broken
Here's my broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
'Cause you've been here from the very start

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know you make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken
Here's my broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Here's my broken hallelujah

When all is taken away
Don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing hallelujah
When I feel afraid,
Don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing
Let me always sing

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (here's my broken hallelujah)
Here's my broken
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (here's my broken hallelujah)
Here's my broken
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Being a Light

I love writing. It is very therapeutic for me. I went to Genius Bootcamp hosted by Leslie Householder last year from November 15-17. During the class I felt I needed to blog and write more. I thought about it over the last year, even feeling prompted at times to write. Unfortunately I never heeded the prompting and did what I was asked. Ironically the very day I began the class last year, is the very same day this year that I found out my baby would have no heartbeat, and here I am finally writing. My only regret not writing sooner, is maybe there would have been someone else reading my blog who I could have helped. Someone else who was looking for something uplifting and inspiring. And yet here I write about my journey of miscarriage. Friday, December 6th, I was sitting in the carpool line when a song came on the radio that touched me (posted below). It is my hope that I am a light to others. It is a hope that others who follow my journey will feel inspired by my deep faith and testimony of Christ. If you feel you know someone who would benefit from reading my posts, please share my blog with them.

Today the floodgates opened and I dropped to my knees. I have been strong through this. I have allowed myself to cry when needed. I have allowed myself to feel the heartache. But today, today the floodgates opened. I finally dropped to my knees to process the grief, pain, trauma, miscarriage, heartache, evidence that my baby was gone, sadness, and talk to God. Then I read my own post He Is Here and I sobbed even more. I have been so strong through it all. Processing everything through writing and tears and chocolate. I knew this moment would come when it would hit me and take my breath away. I knew it would come after the baby was born. I knew it would be hard. Tears, tissues, puffy eyes, and a headache. I knew what was ahead. And then my youngest woke up from his nap and grief was put on hold.

My friend told me today that grief is an event and I need to take time to schedule it. Take time to just be and feel. She even suggested a tear jerker movie but I didn't need one to start my tears. They have been waiting. Waiting to fall until I finally allowed myself to fall apart. Reading my own post from yesterday made me realize this is me. This is my story. This is my current tragedy of loss. But it is also of hope. Hope and faith. Knowing everything is in divine order. Knowing that I am open and can help others who may be going through this, have gone through this, or will go through this. I once heard somewhere in my lifetime that our trials are not just for us, they are for others. Our stories are to share. They help us connect to others. I have had at least one person a day reach out to see how I am doing. It is not the same person and it makes me feel loved and valued and that others truly do care about me and are thinking of me and praying for me during this difficult time.

I have decided that I need to set an alarm for some time in the day to pause and really take time to pray. So often, by the time I am crawling into bed, I am exhausted and my Heavenly Father gets what little is left to give for the day. I'm sure he has kept track of how many times I have fallen asleep when praying, and how many times my mind wanders. I admit, it is in the thousands...if not tens of thousands. I am committing to pray earlier in the day when I have energy and my mind isn't so jumbled as it winds down for the day. My friend told me that my children prayed for me when I was in the E.R. and gave the sweetest prayers. My daughter kissed my belly all day long on Sunday telling me she was just so sad about the baby. It breaks my heart. I am so grateful for the gift of prayer. I saw something on Facebook about prayer being the first form of a cordless phone. We can use it anywhere and we never loose a signal or something along those lines. When is the last time you knelt down and prayed? When is the last time you poured your heart out to God? Do you realize He already knows what you need before you even ask? I have thanked God for the gift of prayer over and over throughout the years. My life wouldn't be the same without it.

Glow In The Dark

Jason Gray

Sometimes the world feels like a mess
Full of drama, full of stress
And life puts a fist right in your ribs
You can hide if you choose to
And no one would even blame you
Or you can let them see how you deal with it

That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate

Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark

Don't be ashamed of your past
If you're shattered like a piece of glass
The more broke you are the more the light gets through
Show your wounds and your flaws
Show them why you still need the cross
Let them see the work He's doing in you

That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate

Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark

Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark
Glow in the dark
Doesn't matter how
Glow in the dark
Doesn't matter how

He Is Here

My journey begins here. (click for link)

My baby was born at home on December 7th at 3:56 p.m. He looks perfect. He has a little mouth, eyes, ears, arms, and legs. He is the size of a small Lima bean. He is flesh colored. I held him in the palm of my hand and sobbed. I knew this would be the hardest part. Seeing him made me realize his heart truly beats no more. He was 9 weeks when his heart stopped beating. I delivered him at 14 weeks. He was due June 6, 2020.

My mind cannot comprehend the miracle of life. How was he so perfectly formed, looking alive and yet his little heart had stopped beating 5 weeks ago?

Below are details and I do mean details of what happened. If you don't want to read them, then please stop reading at this point.

I told God on the night of the 6th what my plan was for having the baby and to wake me up at 3 a.m. so I could take the pills and begin the process. I awoke on the 7th just a few minutes before 3 a.m. I was told by the doctor to take the pills with food so I grabbed a snack and grabbed the pills. That is when the tears began to flow. I didn't want to take the pills. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to put an end to this chapter. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about this chapter ending.

I took the pills and took half of a pain killer. I went back to bed to lay down and see if I could go back to sleep. I felt my body begin to do something but I don't know the word to describe the feeling. My mind was all over the place and I kept telling it to quiet down so I could sleep. I prayed I would be able to fall asleep again. I awoke at 6:30 a.m. to use the restroom. Nothing had happened. Not a sign that anything was happening. Then I thought are you serious?! Am I going to need the surgery after all this? And then the process began. Cramping and bleeding. Not painful. I was grateful for that. The pain killer had worn off (I swear they don't even work on me) and I was grateful to feel what was happening to my body. I had scheduled an energy session to work on a friend that morning at 8:00 a.m. and I felt I strongly needed to keep the appointment. I had prayed the night before and asked that I still would have the ability to work on my friend. I was able to do a 50-minute session with her all while in labor.

I wanted to give birth at home in a nice warm bath. I am known as "high risk" when it comes to pregnancies and so I have never put myself in a position to try to give birth at home if complications were to arise. Complications arose with every single birth. I put my youngest down for a nap around 2:30 p.m. and I was tired. I tried to lay down and take a nap. A voice kept telling me to go get in the tub and I would have my baby. I can be a little stubborn sometimes and want things my way...and I wanted to nap first. 50 minutes later, I still hadn't fallen asleep and so I finally gave in and went to soak in the tub. I wasn't in there for more than a few minutes when my pain shot up to a level 10. I sat up and my baby came right out. I am so grateful for how well he looked. I had feared and yet prayed for it to happen this way. I wanted to see my baby. I wanted to hold him. I got of one of my heart's deepest desires. God is so good and so merciful. I was quite surprised to see that he looked just like the images in the pregnancy apps that show you images of how your baby looks week by week.

I texted my husband that the baby was here and 100% intact. He was working a block away and came home. I was crying. He asked if I was okay and I told him I was fine and that he could return to work. About 3 minutes after he left I called him and told him he needed to come back immediately. I was about to pass out. I was losing a lot of blood and a lot of large clots. From my fingertips to my elbow I become paralyzed. I could feel tingling but could not move my fingers. They were stiff. A neighbor had just sent me a text and I was able to push the speech-to-text option and tell her she needed to come get my children immediately and it was an emergency. My husband walked in at this time and was about to call an ambulance. I told him no and that I didn't want the bill for that ride. I had him call my doctor's office because I know sometimes you can reach a nurse after hours. I was able to get through and by the time we were done talking the feeling had begun to return to my hands. She said if I go through a pad an hour for 2 hours I needed to come in or if my clots were larger than me putting my index finger and thumb together. I was soaking a pad every few minutes. I couldn't stop bleeding. I sat on the toilet and blood just drained from my body along with many clots. At one point I asked for one of my youngest diapers, a size 3. I drenched the whole thing in less than a minute and a large clot came with it. I got another diaper, cleaned myself up for what seemed like the hundredth time and stood up to go sit in my bed. My friend got me juice and a rice cake. I really felt I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't want to pay for a trip to the E.R. either. I talked non-stop...this is typical of me but I was talking more than normal trying to distract myself from what was actually happening. My friend told me to stop talking and tune into my body to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She said she felt like I was trying to be strong. I felt I was going to pass out again. It was time to go to the hospital.

In the car, by the time we got to south Logan, I was fading fast. I told my husband I'm fading fast, you need to hurry, and I'm sorry if I pass out on you. I've never passed out in my life. I was sweating and had the window rolled down. I kept trying to take deep breaths and focus on breathing. I was praying. We arrived at the entrance to the E.R. and I told my husband to park because I didn't want him leaving me to go park the car. The minute I got out of the car another huge gush and clot came out. I remember saying please don't let it soak through. We got in right away and taken to a room. A young man started my IV and drew blood for some testing. They needed to clean me up and see what was going on. I told them good luck, it was a disaster down there. They assured me they had seen worse. I had the nicest P.A. a girl could ask for. Mark was so kind and gentle. He kept asking if I was doing okay and would let me know what was happening. I didn't have any pain medication. They wanted to give me some but I said my pain was only at a 1 and I didn't need any. There were a few times the pain level shot to maybe a 6, but it was bearable. I felt when he removed tissue that was still stuck to the lining. What had happened is I had tissue that got stuck in the cervix. I asked him if I were a pioneer what would have happened. He said I would have bled out, losing my life. The body tries to flush it out with blood and you end up bleeding to death. I had 55 angels supporting me, I felt 15 of them had lost their lives during childbirth. I was in the E.R. for almost 3 hours. The process probably took a half hour. I prayed a lot during that time. I thanked God for letting me live at a time where my life could be spared over and over due to modern technology, understanding of the body, and modern medication. I would have lost my life with my firstborn. I thanked Him for Mark being so good and respectful while he was literally cleaning me from the inside out. I asked God to bless him for his kindness and gentleness as well as bless his family. I was grateful this happened later in the evening so my husband could be away from work. He was the only supervisor there that day helping 22 families, 3 different groups, build their homes. I was grateful we had a hospital close. I was grateful I didn't pass out.

On our way home, we grabbed food. I was weak and needed food. We got home and I had my husband stop at the mailbox because I had a package delivered that I ordered 3 weeks ago. It is a wood frame and says "Because someone we love is in heaven there is a little bit of heaven in our home." How convenient that it arrived the same day my baby came. I walked into my home which had been cleaned by my friend and all 3 children were in bed. What a gift!

I went to my bathroom because those darn IVs pump you full of fluid and you have to pee like every 5 minutes. I saw my baby still in the bathroom and I picked him up. He was cold. I cried. Another piece of evidence telling me he was no longer alive. I was so sad. So sad. I cried some more. Then I wrapped him in a piece of cloth. I think his favorite color is teal and I happened to have some soft jersey type fabric. I placed his little body in a tiny wooden box that I had purchased. I had a friend tell me that the hospital/doctor tells you that you can flush the baby or take it to the hospital and they will dispose of it. I wasn't told anything so I made my own option. A tiny casket to bury him.

I didn't sleep well at all that night.

The next morning I opened the box. My baby had completely changed color and looked lifeless. Another piece of evidence telling me he was gone. I cried.

Today is Sunday. We went down to my in-laws to celebrate a birthday. On the way down I realized this was the 1st time I was away from my baby. My mind then reminded me I had left him home when I went to the hospital. I was frustrated that I didn't have more time with him while he looked alive. I am sad I didn't take a picture with him. I took a few of him in my hand. No, I won't post them, so you don't have to worry about seeing something you may not want to see. You can look up what a 9-week gestation baby looks like. The photos are pretty darn accurate. Anyway I cried thinking I should have another car seat in my car taking my baby with. Then my mind reminded me that it wouldn't have been until June.

This is hard. I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in the last 3 weeks. My baby is gone. And yet he is here. He is with me often. He isn't always in heaven. He has permission to be with our family. I told God last night that if he needed my son for a mission in heaven, he could borrow him. I still do not know if his spirit will come back to me through the next body or if he will remain a spirit and I will get to raise him in heaven. Either way, I have faith in God's plan for him, whatever that may be. I have much peace knowing that either way, that sweet baby of mine is sealed to our eternal family and this brings me much comfort and strength as I endure this trial.

Have I told you that I really haven't sat down and had a heart-to-heart with my Heavenly Father yet? I've prayed every night, but I have told him I didn't want to talk about the situation because it would open up a floodgate of tears. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to process all that was happening.  I didn't want to wake up with swollen eyes from crying so much. I didn't want the heartache. The night I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat I prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for this trial. I thanked Him for what I was going to learn and for who I will become because of it. I have a ton of faith, people tell me that all the time, so I asked Heavenly Father if I could use my faith to bring my baby back. He told me no because it was His will. I accepted his answer.

I think it's time I go have that heart-to-heart. Good night.

For those who need healing, I invite you to purchase a Healing Meditation for Miscarriages. 

Surrender

If I surrender, does that mean I am giving up? I believe the answer is no. I am surrendering my will and I am letting go of trying to control the outcome. No matter what I do, my body will not go into labor. This has happened with all of my pregnancies. My oldest was 8 days late and after 21 hours of induced labor, ended in a C-section. My middle child my water broke and I was so extremely happy. I was happy that my body knew how to go into labor and begin the process on it's own. Well 6 hours after my water broke I was not in labor. No contractions, no dilating, no progress. I was devastated. Why doesn't my body work like other women? I have many ancestors who had their babies without needing to be induced. What was wrong with me? Those thoughts plagued my mind. My youngest was also induced. So on the 26th after doing some energy work and my body beginning the process of releasing the baby, I was thrilled! It brought me peace and happiness for a few reasons. It gave me hope that my body could do this on it's own without intervention. It also calmed my mind knowing that the baby was for sure gone and I didn't need to go in for another ultrasound...just in case. Yesterday I worked on clearing negative trapped emotions from my womb and cervix. Immediately my body began to cramp. I was so excited because I saw this as progress. After a few hours, the cramping stopped completely. Not much has been happening throughout this whole process. No pain, no major releasing of what needs to come out. I called the doctor's office to give them an update. They have been kind and have been checking in on me. The doctor wanted me to come in so they could draw blood and run some tests. The doctor himself called me with the results in the evening. I told him I really wanted to honor my body for starting the process and that I wanted to wait another week to see what happens. My results were fine and he wasn't concerned with the results. He explained some concerns regarding how long this is taking my body and recommended that I take the pills sooner than later so I don't end up having further complications. 

I'm devastated. Yesterday I had given a friend an update and she said she was proud of me for not giving up and allowing my body a chance. I was grateful she said that, because that is how I felt. I felt like I should give my body the chance, especially since it began the process on it's own. It has been 10 days since nature began the process. It's been 34 days since my little boy's heart stopped beating. And here I sit patiently waiting. I've tried to help my body with oils, resting, praying, meditating, an occasional nap, a foot zone, baths, healthy meals, and energy work. I feel at this point it is time to surrender my hope of having a natural birth experience. For whatever reason, my body can't or won't do this. I am grateful that I live in a day and age where there are options to assist in moving the process along. 

I can feel your prayers. I feel a blanket of comfort and protection that I have been offered on behalf of your prayers. I feel my burden is light. Thank you for those who continue to pray for me and send your love my way. It is felt. It is comforting. It brings me peace. 

Gratitude to the women who have endured this trial in their lives

Over the last 17 years I have had a few handfuls of friends who have had miscarriages. It was because of their openness about their miscarriage, that made me feel comfortable to reach out to them and ask questions. I am grateful for their knowledge and yet sad for their loss, as well as mine. I am grateful to those who have reached out to me, letting me know they are here for me, because they too have been through this same situation. I am grateful that I am not afraid to ask questions and reach out to others. From the experiences of my friends, I have gained an understanding of the process of how this all works. I have friends who their body naturally passed the baby, others who took medication to induce labor, and some who have had the surgery. I am so grateful to those women who have shared their experience to help me see my options and to prepare me as best as possible on what is to come. 

So tonight, I am sending my friends gratitude. Thank you for being open, honest, and vulnerable as you have shared your experiences with me. Love to you all!

15 Days

It has been 15 days since my doctor's appointment. In a previous post I had mentioned if nature hadn't begun it's course, I would be taking the pills to induce labor. My plan was to take the pills on the morning of the 27th. All my children have been born on the 27th. On the 26th, I was finally able to get all my furniture moved and the majority of things organized. I sat in my glider and relaxed for the first time in what seems like forever. It felt so good to sit for a moment. I am always on the run and hardly ever sit down. This includes not sitting down to eat due to the minute my butt hits the chair, one of my kiddos needs something. 

Earlier on the 26th, I had finished reading The Emotion Code by Dr. Brad Nelson. I thought I wonder if I have trapped emotions that are preventing my body from going into labor. Sure enough, I found a handful, a few that were generational, and I released them. The last one I released was inherited grief. At the sight of the word grief and the thoughts of what my ancestors have gone through, I cried. I have had 30 female angels with me and 6 male angels supporting me through the last few weeks. Once I released grief, I knew some of those angels had left. I checked and sure enough I was down to 19. Not only were those angels there to support me in my grief, but they needed some generational healing and knew that I would eventually help them with releasing that heavy energy. 

The 26th I really tried to relax and take a break. I took a nice long bath with some essentials oils to help me relax. I wore a bright pink shirt with a heart and the word love in the middle. I wanted to love and support my body for what was to come. Obviously something I had done that day worked because that evening my body began the process. Every body is different. I have a friend who had her baby in 1 day and another friend who had her baby 7 days later. Here I am 4 days in and still no baby. It is hard waiting....and yet I am so grateful to my body for beginning this process on it's own. I am choosing to honor that my body gave me the peace of mind and began things naturally. I had thoughts of going in just one more time for an ultrasound. Just to double check. My mind was racing with thoughts of "would if". Would if I take the pills to force the baby out and there was still a heart beat? 

Saturday, not even 24 hours after hearing those devastating words that my baby had no heartbeat, I was walking into my bedroom and I had the thought that I would be teaching a lesson on Eternal Families on Sunday. I checked the manual, and sure enough that was my topic. I made it through teaching and was able to hold it together that Sunday. Good thing I teach 2 year olds and the lessons are only a few minutes long. :) 

One day while in thought, I looked at my photo collage in my entryway and tears began to sting my eyes as the thought entered my mind that my family photos would never be complete. 

It has been 27 days since my son's heart stopped beating. I wonder who he would have looked like. I wonder if he would have been a mama's boy. I wonder what his favorite color would have been. I wonder if he would have been a snuggle bug. I wonder if he would have been the best of friends with his older siblings. So many things I wonder about. I am so grateful that I have 3 beautiful children to love on that are here in the flesh. I know my angel son is with me. Occasionally I can feel him. I wish I had the gift to see angels, but as of yet, I have not found that to be one of my gifts.

Questions. Questions. Questions. I am open to either idea, but when talking to others who have lost their babies, some say that little spirit came through the next body, and others believe that the little spirit remains in heaven and we will have the opportunity to raise them after this life. I haven't a clue. Maybe one day I will find out what I believe. For now, I am open to either of the possibilities. 

Thank you again for all who have reached out! Thank you for your continued prayers. I have been lucky to have a few people text me here and there to check on me. I have had beautiful flowers delivered, chocolate, warm meals, french fries, drinks, cookies, a necklace, forget-me-not seeds, and hugs. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of others. It truly lifts my spirit when someone checks in on me. 

The Next Right Thing Lyrics

I was able to take my children to see Frozen 2 today. The baby only lasted maybe 15 minutes with him sitting and then we had to roam up and down the ramp and along the front of the movie theater. I am grateful that I was able to watch most of the movie. There is a song that Anna sings with a line that brought tears to the surface. Moments, glimpses, thoughts, and memories seem to sneak up on me and bring tears to my eyes. The Friday I found out, I was standing at my kitchen sink when I remembered that just the day before I had bought a Christmas stocking for baby #4.

I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over; the lights are out
Hello darkness: I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around (I always have)
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing

Can there be a day beyond this night
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction; I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for

Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing

One week...

It has been one week since my doctors appointment. I remember looking at the screen during the ultrasound and all of a sudden I felt that sensation like someone was behind me, but it wasn't one person, it was many. I was against the wall so no one in the flesh was there but I all of a sudden knew I had a lot of angels in the room with me and they were all looking at the screen. And then I heard "I'm sorry but your baby has no heartbeat." I felt a rush of energy flow through the front of my body to the back of my body as I lay on the hospital bed. I have never experienced that feeling before. The doctor stepped out of the room to give us time. My sweet 14 month old baby boy reached out to hug me and squeeze me three times around the neck. He pulled back and saw the tears running down my face. He used his tiny index finger and followed the path of my tears. Each time a new tear fell his little finger would follow the tear all the way down my check. He is the most tender-hearted baby I have ever met. I know he feels what others are going through. There have been countless occasions he will reach out to someone while opening and closing his little hands saying he wants them. He will go to people and give them a hug, sometimes pat their back while hugging them, and then he turns and comes right back to me. Who wouldn't want a hug from a sweet baby?

My brain still cannot comprehend that there is a baby inside my womb and yet it has no life. The doctor said there are three options. 1. Let nature take its course. He said the downside is that sometimes nature takes awhile to recognize what has happened. He said it could be two to four weeks, possibly longer. 2. Take medication to induce labor and have the baby at home. 3. Surgery known as a D&C. I like option one. At my appointment the baby was measuring two weeks smaller so here were are three weeks later since the baby's spirit left the body. There is absolutely no sign this little body will be exiting the womb anytime soon. Looking back at the birth of my other three children, I had to be induced with all of them. I'm waiting and hoping my body will go into labor on its own...but if not, I have chosen a date next week to take the pills. I came home with the pills on Monday and looked at the calendar to see what day I should have the baby. I was busy all week and then I cried because there wasn't a good day to have the baby.

Before this happened to me, I had known many of my friends who had already gone through this trial. Now that I have announced it, even more have said they too have gone through this. I'm grateful to the people who have reached out to me. I need connection with people. I am a very social person and thrive on connecting to others. I couldn't have the baby on Wednesday this week, because it was bunco night and this mama needs a monthly outing to connect with other women, and enjoy laughter, treats, and fun! I'm grateful for those who have brought in meals. Those who have dropped off treats. Those who have called or texted. It makes my heart happy to know that people are here to support me through this trial. We have had a few people bring in meals and a few meals overlapped. We have had leftovers all week. I've had to freeze some. Through this experience I've decided freezer crock-pot meals are a wonderful thing to take to someone in case you want an idea on how to help someone in this situation. Then you don't need to ask if they need a meal or when a good time will be. You can drop it off and say enjoy at your convenience.

Monday we got carpet in our basement. It has been one tough year for me waiting for our basement to be finished. Now that we are 90% of the way there (bathroom is all that is left to finish) and I can move things and organize things, I have decided to call this my nesting period. I'm nesting because my baby now has a due date next week, unless there are any surprises and the baby chooses an early birthday than what I have planned. For some reason they like to choose their own dates I have decided. Baby 1 came 8 days late. Baby 2 came 12 days early and baby 3 came 12 days early.

This week has been hard. I haven't cried for hours on end, I haven't laid in bed all day, but it has been hard. Some of those days I have stayed in my pjs but that is because I was moving furniture and doing some heavy lifting. I want you to know I really am doing okay. I truly feel uplifted by my angels and the prayers from each of you. I feel this is a little protection period for me to do what I need to and get things in order because next week when the baby passes, I have a feeling that is when the real hard grieving will take place. Remember prayers are always welcome. Love to you all!

An unexpected curve ball...

My womb is occupied and yet
it is empty with no sign of life.

My heart beats and yet the
baby's heart inside of me does not.

This is heavy. This cuts deep to my core. This hurts.

My heart is broken. I am grieving the loss of a child.

I’ve never wanted this trial. Then again, no one does.

There is a season and cycle to every living thing.

This season and cycle was too short for me. 

I love this sweet child of mine. Oh how I love this baby!

My heart is also full. I have the gift of being sealed to
my family for eternity. My knowledge of the gospel
brings me peace. I am so grateful to be a member of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
We know children who return to heaven are safe and
we will see them again. It may not be easy waiting,
but I am grateful to know I will see my baby again.
My child is safe in heaven. My sweet child lives and
I will be able to raise him/her in the next life.

What a blessing it is to know where my child is and
that I will be able to see my baby again. My heart
aches for those who do not have this knowledge or
these blessings through the sealing power of an
eternal family.

Even on the darkest days, we must remember that
the sun is still shining, even when we cannot see it.
When we choose to rise above the darkness, we will
find the sunshine and see things in a whole new light.
In this moment I’m choosing to see the light.
I’m choosing to feel the light. I’m choosing to let God’s
unconditional love in. It won't always be this way.
But right now, in this moment, I’m choosing to savor the light.

If you or someone you know needs healing. Please consider purchasing

a Healing Meditation for Miscarriage. It is a beautiful recording that has

helped me and others to heal from their miscarriage(s).

I purchased the above beautiful piece of Christ holding a baby on Etsy.
Click here for a link to the shop.