15 Days

It has been 15 days since my doctor's appointment. In a previous post I had mentioned if nature hadn't begun it's course, I would be taking the pills to induce labor. My plan was to take the pills on the morning of the 27th. All my children have been born on the 27th. On the 26th, I was finally able to get all my furniture moved and the majority of things organized. I sat in my glider and relaxed for the first time in what seems like forever. It felt so good to sit for a moment. I am always on the run and hardly ever sit down. This includes not sitting down to eat due to the minute my butt hits the chair, one of my kiddos needs something. 

Earlier on the 26th, I had finished reading The Emotion Code by Dr. Brad Nelson. I thought I wonder if I have trapped emotions that are preventing my body from going into labor. Sure enough, I found a handful, a few that were generational, and I released them. The last one I released was inherited grief. At the sight of the word grief and the thoughts of what my ancestors have gone through, I cried. I have had 30 female angels with me and 6 male angels supporting me through the last few weeks. Once I released grief, I knew some of those angels had left. I checked and sure enough I was down to 19. Not only were those angels there to support me in my grief, but they needed some generational healing and knew that I would eventually help them with releasing that heavy energy. 

The 26th I really tried to relax and take a break. I took a nice long bath with some essentials oils to help me relax. I wore a bright pink shirt with a heart and the word love in the middle. I wanted to love and support my body for what was to come. Obviously something I had done that day worked because that evening my body began the process. Every body is different. I have a friend who had her baby in 1 day and another friend who had her baby 7 days later. Here I am 4 days in and still no baby. It is hard waiting....and yet I am so grateful to my body for beginning this process on it's own. I am choosing to honor that my body gave me the peace of mind and began things naturally. I had thoughts of going in just one more time for an ultrasound. Just to double check. My mind was racing with thoughts of "would if". Would if I take the pills to force the baby out and there was still a heart beat? 

Saturday, not even 24 hours after hearing those devastating words that my baby had no heartbeat, I was walking into my bedroom and I had the thought that I would be teaching a lesson on Eternal Families on Sunday. I checked the manual, and sure enough that was my topic. I made it through teaching and was able to hold it together that Sunday. Good thing I teach 2 year olds and the lessons are only a few minutes long. :) 

One day while in thought, I looked at my photo collage in my entryway and tears began to sting my eyes as the thought entered my mind that my family photos would never be complete. 

It has been 27 days since my son's heart stopped beating. I wonder who he would have looked like. I wonder if he would have been a mama's boy. I wonder what his favorite color would have been. I wonder if he would have been a snuggle bug. I wonder if he would have been the best of friends with his older siblings. So many things I wonder about. I am so grateful that I have 3 beautiful children to love on that are here in the flesh. I know my angel son is with me. Occasionally I can feel him. I wish I had the gift to see angels, but as of yet, I have not found that to be one of my gifts.

Questions. Questions. Questions. I am open to either idea, but when talking to others who have lost their babies, some say that little spirit came through the next body, and others believe that the little spirit remains in heaven and we will have the opportunity to raise them after this life. I haven't a clue. Maybe one day I will find out what I believe. For now, I am open to either of the possibilities. 

Thank you again for all who have reached out! Thank you for your continued prayers. I have been lucky to have a few people text me here and there to check on me. I have had beautiful flowers delivered, chocolate, warm meals, french fries, drinks, cookies, a necklace, forget-me-not seeds, and hugs. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of others. It truly lifts my spirit when someone checks in on me. 

The Next Right Thing Lyrics

I was able to take my children to see Frozen 2 today. The baby only lasted maybe 15 minutes with him sitting and then we had to roam up and down the ramp and along the front of the movie theater. I am grateful that I was able to watch most of the movie. There is a song that Anna sings with a line that brought tears to the surface. Moments, glimpses, thoughts, and memories seem to sneak up on me and bring tears to my eyes. The Friday I found out, I was standing at my kitchen sink when I remembered that just the day before I had bought a Christmas stocking for baby #4.

I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over; the lights are out
Hello darkness: I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around (I always have)
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing

Can there be a day beyond this night
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction; I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for

Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing

One week...

It has been one week since my doctors appointment. I remember looking at the screen during the ultrasound and all of a sudden I felt that sensation like someone was behind me, but it wasn't one person, it was many. I was against the wall so no one in the flesh was there but I all of a sudden knew I had a lot of angels in the room with me and they were all looking at the screen. And then I heard "I'm sorry but your baby has no heartbeat." I felt a rush of energy flow through the front of my body to the back of my body as I lay on the hospital bed. I have never experienced that feeling before. The doctor stepped out of the room to give us time. My sweet 14 month old baby boy reached out to hug me and squeeze me three times around the neck. He pulled back and saw the tears running down my face. He used his tiny index finger and followed the path of my tears. Each time a new tear fell his little finger would follow the tear all the way down my check. He is the most tender-hearted baby I have ever met. I know he feels what others are going through. There have been countless occasions he will reach out to someone while opening and closing his little hands saying he wants them. He will go to people and give them a hug, sometimes pat their back while hugging them, and then he turns and comes right back to me. Who wouldn't want a hug from a sweet baby?

My brain still cannot comprehend that there is a baby inside my womb and yet it has no life. The doctor said there are three options. 1. Let nature take its course. He said the downside is that sometimes nature takes awhile to recognize what has happened. He said it could be two to four weeks, possibly longer. 2. Take medication to induce labor and have the baby at home. 3. Surgery known as a D&C. I like option one. At my appointment the baby was measuring two weeks smaller so here were are three weeks later since the baby's spirit left the body. There is absolutely no sign this little body will be exiting the womb anytime soon. Looking back at the birth of my other three children, I had to be induced with all of them. I'm waiting and hoping my body will go into labor on its own...but if not, I have chosen a date next week to take the pills. I came home with the pills on Monday and looked at the calendar to see what day I should have the baby. I was busy all week and then I cried because there wasn't a good day to have the baby.

Before this happened to me, I had known many of my friends who had already gone through this trial. Now that I have announced it, even more have said they too have gone through this. I'm grateful to the people who have reached out to me. I need connection with people. I am a very social person and thrive on connecting to others. I couldn't have the baby on Wednesday this week, because it was bunco night and this mama needs a monthly outing to connect with other women, and enjoy laughter, treats, and fun! I'm grateful for those who have brought in meals. Those who have dropped off treats. Those who have called or texted. It makes my heart happy to know that people are here to support me through this trial. We have had a few people bring in meals and a few meals overlapped. We have had leftovers all week. I've had to freeze some. Through this experience I've decided freezer crock-pot meals are a wonderful thing to take to someone in case you want an idea on how to help someone in this situation. Then you don't need to ask if they need a meal or when a good time will be. You can drop it off and say enjoy at your convenience.

Monday we got carpet in our basement. It has been one tough year for me waiting for our basement to be finished. Now that we are 90% of the way there (bathroom is all that is left to finish) and I can move things and organize things, I have decided to call this my nesting period. I'm nesting because my baby now has a due date next week, unless there are any surprises and the baby chooses an early birthday than what I have planned. For some reason they like to choose their own dates I have decided. Baby 1 came 8 days late. Baby 2 came 12 days early and baby 3 came 12 days early.

This week has been hard. I haven't cried for hours on end, I haven't laid in bed all day, but it has been hard. Some of those days I have stayed in my pjs but that is because I was moving furniture and doing some heavy lifting. I want you to know I really am doing okay. I truly feel uplifted by my angels and the prayers from each of you. I feel this is a little protection period for me to do what I need to and get things in order because next week when the baby passes, I have a feeling that is when the real hard grieving will take place. Remember prayers are always welcome. Love to you all!

An unexpected curve ball...

My womb is occupied and yet
it is empty with no sign of life.

My heart beats and yet the
baby's heart inside of me does not.

This is heavy. This cuts deep to my core. This hurts.

My heart is broken. I am grieving the loss of a child.

I’ve never wanted this trial. Then again, no one does.

There is a season and cycle to every living thing.

This season and cycle was too short for me. 

I love this sweet child of mine. Oh how I love this baby!

My heart is also full. I have the gift of being sealed to
my family for eternity. My knowledge of the gospel
brings me peace. I am so grateful to be a member of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
We know children who return to heaven are safe and
we will see them again. It may not be easy waiting,
but I am grateful to know I will see my baby again.
My child is safe in heaven. My sweet child lives and
I will be able to raise him/her in the next life.

What a blessing it is to know where my child is and
that I will be able to see my baby again. My heart
aches for those who do not have this knowledge or
these blessings through the sealing power of an
eternal family.

Even on the darkest days, we must remember that
the sun is still shining, even when we cannot see it.
When we choose to rise above the darkness, we will
find the sunshine and see things in a whole new light.
In this moment I’m choosing to see the light.
I’m choosing to feel the light. I’m choosing to let God’s
unconditional love in. It won't always be this way.
But right now, in this moment, I’m choosing to savor the light.

If you or someone you know needs healing. Please consider purchasing

a Healing Meditation for Miscarriage. It is a beautiful recording that has

helped me and others to heal from their miscarriage(s).

I purchased the above beautiful piece of Christ holding a baby on Etsy.
Click here for a link to the shop.