One week...

It has been one week since my doctors appointment. I remember looking at the screen during the ultrasound and all of a sudden I felt that sensation like someone was behind me, but it wasn't one person, it was many. I was against the wall so no one in the flesh was there but I all of a sudden knew I had a lot of angels in the room with me and they were all looking at the screen. And then I heard "I'm sorry but your baby has no heartbeat." I felt a rush of energy flow through the front of my body to the back of my body as I lay on the hospital bed. I have never experienced that feeling before. The doctor stepped out of the room to give us time. My sweet 14 month old baby boy reached out to hug me and squeeze me three times around the neck. He pulled back and saw the tears running down my face. He used his tiny index finger and followed the path of my tears. Each time a new tear fell his little finger would follow the tear all the way down my check. He is the most tender-hearted baby I have ever met. I know he feels what others are going through. There have been countless occasions he will reach out to someone while opening and closing his little hands saying he wants them. He will go to people and give them a hug, sometimes pat their back while hugging them, and then he turns and comes right back to me. Who wouldn't want a hug from a sweet baby?

My brain still cannot comprehend that there is a baby inside my womb and yet it has no life. The doctor said there are three options. 1. Let nature take its course. He said the downside is that sometimes nature takes awhile to recognize what has happened. He said it could be two to four weeks, possibly longer. 2. Take medication to induce labor and have the baby at home. 3. Surgery known as a D&C. I like option one. At my appointment the baby was measuring two weeks smaller so here were are three weeks later since the baby's spirit left the body. There is absolutely no sign this little body will be exiting the womb anytime soon. Looking back at the birth of my other three children, I had to be induced with all of them. I'm waiting and hoping my body will go into labor on its own...but if not, I have chosen a date next week to take the pills. I came home with the pills on Monday and looked at the calendar to see what day I should have the baby. I was busy all week and then I cried because there wasn't a good day to have the baby.

Before this happened to me, I had known many of my friends who had already gone through this trial. Now that I have announced it, even more have said they too have gone through this. I'm grateful to the people who have reached out to me. I need connection with people. I am a very social person and thrive on connecting to others. I couldn't have the baby on Wednesday this week, because it was bunco night and this mama needs a monthly outing to connect with other women, and enjoy laughter, treats, and fun! I'm grateful for those who have brought in meals. Those who have dropped off treats. Those who have called or texted. It makes my heart happy to know that people are here to support me through this trial. We have had a few people bring in meals and a few meals overlapped. We have had leftovers all week. I've had to freeze some. Through this experience I've decided freezer crock-pot meals are a wonderful thing to take to someone in case you want an idea on how to help someone in this situation. Then you don't need to ask if they need a meal or when a good time will be. You can drop it off and say enjoy at your convenience.

Monday we got carpet in our basement. It has been one tough year for me waiting for our basement to be finished. Now that we are 90% of the way there (bathroom is all that is left to finish) and I can move things and organize things, I have decided to call this my nesting period. I'm nesting because my baby now has a due date next week, unless there are any surprises and the baby chooses an early birthday than what I have planned. For some reason they like to choose their own dates I have decided. Baby 1 came 8 days late. Baby 2 came 12 days early and baby 3 came 12 days early.

This week has been hard. I haven't cried for hours on end, I haven't laid in bed all day, but it has been hard. Some of those days I have stayed in my pjs but that is because I was moving furniture and doing some heavy lifting. I want you to know I really am doing okay. I truly feel uplifted by my angels and the prayers from each of you. I feel this is a little protection period for me to do what I need to and get things in order because next week when the baby passes, I have a feeling that is when the real hard grieving will take place. Remember prayers are always welcome. Love to you all!