Staring at this blank page wondering where to begin. It has been two months since my miscarriage. Two months since I saw my baby in the flesh. Two months since I experienced one of the hardest days of my life.
As you may have previously read, I don't typically cry while I write. This time is different, the tears are already rolling down my cheeks. Did this really happen to me? It seems like a dream or a movie. But it is my reality, a part of my story. The pain is real, the tender feelings in my heart are real, and the memories of that day are very real.
On the 1st Sunday in January I was helping my daughter fill out a "Get to know you" sheet that her new primary teachers had dropped off. There was a line asking how many brothers she had and their names. Tears stung my eyes because I still had not named my baby. My husband noticed the tears and asked me what was wrong. He told me to go pray about it and name the baby. I had a name in mind ever since the day after I found out my baby did not have a heartbeat. Naming a baby is very important to me. I hadn't even thought of names since it was early on in my pregnancy. It is a special experience to name a baby and I wanted it to be the right name. Through a tearful prayer, I felt good about the name that had been on my mind. I named our baby Emerson. The name means brave & powerful.
A few weeks passed since naming our baby. My husband mentioned since I had chosen a name for our baby, that I needed to add a photo of him to our family wall. It had been on my mind for a good week at that point, so I set out to find a frame. I have one ultrasound photo, three photos of Emerson after he was born, and the photo I keep using of Christ holding an infant in his arms. I went shopping to find the perfect frame. I had an idea in mind but kept praying I would find the perfect frame that would have two or three spaces for photos. I found the perfect frame at Michael's.
Thankful I had the opportunity to fill my womb for a brief time. Thankful I have an ultrasound photo of my baby. Grateful I was able to experience giving birth to my baby at home. Grateful for the tender mercy that he looked so beautiful and alive after having passed away five weeks prior. Grateful that I have the gospel in my life and I know that my baby is safe in Heaven. Grateful for tender mercies throughout this experience. Grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who trusted me to be the mother of this sweet boy. Grateful to have Emerson's photo on our family wall.
One of the hardest parts of this experience is when the phone calls and text messages stopped. They stopped the first week after my miscarriage. I knew I had people praying and supporting me through prayers, but there were moments when I felt alone. I talked to a friend about it and she said she was still thinking of me but didn't want to keep bringing up the baby and make me sad. Every woman experiences loss differently, and I am one who is fine if you ask me how I am doing. For me, it is okay to talk about what I went through. If you don't know what to say, that is okay too. A hug or a simple "I have been thinking about you" is great. I won't break down crying and fall apart on you. You don't have to feel weird or awkward. Also, if you want to see a photo of my son, just ask. I am happy to show others. I didn't post them for the world to see, because not everyone wants to see.
Other than my second trip to the Emergency Room, and another incident of gushing blood three days after that trip, wondering if I was going to need to go to the E.R. for the third time...I've been doing okay. My hormones have had issues for a while...but physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am doing okay.
After I had Emerson, I wanted to have a break from life. I wanted someone to come take my children for a week so I could rest, heal, and grieve. But that didn't happen. I didn't have anyone who could help out by taking my children. Life went on. I found a few days during the month to get in a nap. I cried when I needed to. I got a Priesthood blessing when I needed one. And when I needed comfort, I would get the best hugs and squeezes from my youngest. He has been such a key to healing my heart.
A few weeks ago I was peeling a Halo for my youngest when I found a tiny slice. Tears stung my eyes as it reminded me of how small Emerson was. I compared this photo to the first photo I took of Emerson and this slice is even bigger than my son was. I am still blown away at how quickly a baby forms in the womb. He had arms and fingers, legs and toes, eyes and a mouth and I could see his ears forming. Grateful I was able to see and hold my sweet Emerson.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to see if the "larger than a baseball" cyst is gone. Hoping to get good news next week.
A few weeks ago I was peeling a Halo for my youngest when I found a tiny slice. Tears stung my eyes as it reminded me of how small Emerson was. I compared this photo to the first photo I took of Emerson and this slice is even bigger than my son was. I am still blown away at how quickly a baby forms in the womb. He had arms and fingers, legs and toes, eyes and a mouth and I could see his ears forming. Grateful I was able to see and hold my sweet Emerson.
I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to see if the "larger than a baseball" cyst is gone. Hoping to get good news next week.
