He Is Here

My journey begins here. (click for link)

My baby was born at home on December 7th at 3:56 p.m. He looks perfect. He has a little mouth, eyes, ears, arms, and legs. He is the size of a small Lima bean. He is flesh colored. I held him in the palm of my hand and sobbed. I knew this would be the hardest part. Seeing him made me realize his heart truly beats no more. He was 9 weeks when his heart stopped beating. I delivered him at 14 weeks. He was due June 6, 2020.

My mind cannot comprehend the miracle of life. How was he so perfectly formed, looking alive and yet his little heart had stopped beating 5 weeks ago?

Below are details and I do mean details of what happened. If you don't want to read them, then please stop reading at this point.

I told God on the night of the 6th what my plan was for having the baby and to wake me up at 3 a.m. so I could take the pills and begin the process. I awoke on the 7th just a few minutes before 3 a.m. I was told by the doctor to take the pills with food so I grabbed a snack and grabbed the pills. That is when the tears began to flow. I didn't want to take the pills. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to put an end to this chapter. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about this chapter ending.

I took the pills and took half of a pain killer. I went back to bed to lay down and see if I could go back to sleep. I felt my body begin to do something but I don't know the word to describe the feeling. My mind was all over the place and I kept telling it to quiet down so I could sleep. I prayed I would be able to fall asleep again. I awoke at 6:30 a.m. to use the restroom. Nothing had happened. Not a sign that anything was happening. Then I thought are you serious?! Am I going to need the surgery after all this? And then the process began. Cramping and bleeding. Not painful. I was grateful for that. The pain killer had worn off (I swear they don't even work on me) and I was grateful to feel what was happening to my body. I had scheduled an energy session to work on a friend that morning at 8:00 a.m. and I felt I strongly needed to keep the appointment. I had prayed the night before and asked that I still would have the ability to work on my friend. I was able to do a 50-minute session with her all while in labor.

I wanted to give birth at home in a nice warm bath. I am known as "high risk" when it comes to pregnancies and so I have never put myself in a position to try to give birth at home if complications were to arise. Complications arose with every single birth. I put my youngest down for a nap around 2:30 p.m. and I was tired. I tried to lay down and take a nap. A voice kept telling me to go get in the tub and I would have my baby. I can be a little stubborn sometimes and want things my way...and I wanted to nap first. 50 minutes later, I still hadn't fallen asleep and so I finally gave in and went to soak in the tub. I wasn't in there for more than a few minutes when my pain shot up to a level 10. I sat up and my baby came right out. I am so grateful for how well he looked. I had feared and yet prayed for it to happen this way. I wanted to see my baby. I wanted to hold him. I got of one of my heart's deepest desires. God is so good and so merciful. I was quite surprised to see that he looked just like the images in the pregnancy apps that show you images of how your baby looks week by week.

I texted my husband that the baby was here and 100% intact. He was working a block away and came home. I was crying. He asked if I was okay and I told him I was fine and that he could return to work. About 3 minutes after he left I called him and told him he needed to come back immediately. I was about to pass out. I was losing a lot of blood and a lot of large clots. From my fingertips to my elbow I become paralyzed. I could feel tingling but could not move my fingers. They were stiff. A neighbor had just sent me a text and I was able to push the speech-to-text option and tell her she needed to come get my children immediately and it was an emergency. My husband walked in at this time and was about to call an ambulance. I told him no and that I didn't want the bill for that ride. I had him call my doctor's office because I know sometimes you can reach a nurse after hours. I was able to get through and by the time we were done talking the feeling had begun to return to my hands. She said if I go through a pad an hour for 2 hours I needed to come in or if my clots were larger than me putting my index finger and thumb together. I was soaking a pad every few minutes. I couldn't stop bleeding. I sat on the toilet and blood just drained from my body along with many clots. At one point I asked for one of my youngest diapers, a size 3. I drenched the whole thing in less than a minute and a large clot came with it. I got another diaper, cleaned myself up for what seemed like the hundredth time and stood up to go sit in my bed. My friend got me juice and a rice cake. I really felt I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't want to pay for a trip to the E.R. either. I talked non-stop...this is typical of me but I was talking more than normal trying to distract myself from what was actually happening. My friend told me to stop talking and tune into my body to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She said she felt like I was trying to be strong. I felt I was going to pass out again. It was time to go to the hospital.

In the car, by the time we got to south Logan, I was fading fast. I told my husband I'm fading fast, you need to hurry, and I'm sorry if I pass out on you. I've never passed out in my life. I was sweating and had the window rolled down. I kept trying to take deep breaths and focus on breathing. I was praying. We arrived at the entrance to the E.R. and I told my husband to park because I didn't want him leaving me to go park the car. The minute I got out of the car another huge gush and clot came out. I remember saying please don't let it soak through. We got in right away and taken to a room. A young man started my IV and drew blood for some testing. They needed to clean me up and see what was going on. I told them good luck, it was a disaster down there. They assured me they had seen worse. I had the nicest P.A. a girl could ask for. Mark was so kind and gentle. He kept asking if I was doing okay and would let me know what was happening. I didn't have any pain medication. They wanted to give me some but I said my pain was only at a 1 and I didn't need any. There were a few times the pain level shot to maybe a 6, but it was bearable. I felt when he removed tissue that was still stuck to the lining. What had happened is I had tissue that got stuck in the cervix. I asked him if I were a pioneer what would have happened. He said I would have bled out, losing my life. The body tries to flush it out with blood and you end up bleeding to death. I had 55 angels supporting me, I felt 15 of them had lost their lives during childbirth. I was in the E.R. for almost 3 hours. The process probably took a half hour. I prayed a lot during that time. I thanked God for letting me live at a time where my life could be spared over and over due to modern technology, understanding of the body, and modern medication. I would have lost my life with my firstborn. I thanked Him for Mark being so good and respectful while he was literally cleaning me from the inside out. I asked God to bless him for his kindness and gentleness as well as bless his family. I was grateful this happened later in the evening so my husband could be away from work. He was the only supervisor there that day helping 22 families, 3 different groups, build their homes. I was grateful we had a hospital close. I was grateful I didn't pass out.

On our way home, we grabbed food. I was weak and needed food. We got home and I had my husband stop at the mailbox because I had a package delivered that I ordered 3 weeks ago. It is a wood frame and says "Because someone we love is in heaven there is a little bit of heaven in our home." How convenient that it arrived the same day my baby came. I walked into my home which had been cleaned by my friend and all 3 children were in bed. What a gift!

I went to my bathroom because those darn IVs pump you full of fluid and you have to pee like every 5 minutes. I saw my baby still in the bathroom and I picked him up. He was cold. I cried. Another piece of evidence telling me he was no longer alive. I was so sad. So sad. I cried some more. Then I wrapped him in a piece of cloth. I think his favorite color is teal and I happened to have some soft jersey type fabric. I placed his little body in a tiny wooden box that I had purchased. I had a friend tell me that the hospital/doctor tells you that you can flush the baby or take it to the hospital and they will dispose of it. I wasn't told anything so I made my own option. A tiny casket to bury him.

I didn't sleep well at all that night.

The next morning I opened the box. My baby had completely changed color and looked lifeless. Another piece of evidence telling me he was gone. I cried.

Today is Sunday. We went down to my in-laws to celebrate a birthday. On the way down I realized this was the 1st time I was away from my baby. My mind then reminded me I had left him home when I went to the hospital. I was frustrated that I didn't have more time with him while he looked alive. I am sad I didn't take a picture with him. I took a few of him in my hand. No, I won't post them, so you don't have to worry about seeing something you may not want to see. You can look up what a 9-week gestation baby looks like. The photos are pretty darn accurate. Anyway I cried thinking I should have another car seat in my car taking my baby with. Then my mind reminded me that it wouldn't have been until June.

This is hard. I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in the last 3 weeks. My baby is gone. And yet he is here. He is with me often. He isn't always in heaven. He has permission to be with our family. I told God last night that if he needed my son for a mission in heaven, he could borrow him. I still do not know if his spirit will come back to me through the next body or if he will remain a spirit and I will get to raise him in heaven. Either way, I have faith in God's plan for him, whatever that may be. I have much peace knowing that either way, that sweet baby of mine is sealed to our eternal family and this brings me much comfort and strength as I endure this trial.

Have I told you that I really haven't sat down and had a heart-to-heart with my Heavenly Father yet? I've prayed every night, but I have told him I didn't want to talk about the situation because it would open up a floodgate of tears. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to process all that was happening.  I didn't want to wake up with swollen eyes from crying so much. I didn't want the heartache. The night I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat I prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for this trial. I thanked Him for what I was going to learn and for who I will become because of it. I have a ton of faith, people tell me that all the time, so I asked Heavenly Father if I could use my faith to bring my baby back. He told me no because it was His will. I accepted his answer.

I think it's time I go have that heart-to-heart. Good night.

For those who need healing, I invite you to purchase a Healing Meditation for Miscarriages.