Adversity

It is true that I have not asked the questions "Why? Why me?" in this trial. I have asked those questions during different times throughout my life, but not now. 

About 8 months ago I was teaching the young women in my ward. I found great insight in the book True to the Faith on the topic of Adversity. Beginning on page 8 it reads "As part of Heavenly Father’s plan of redemption, you experience adversity during mortality. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress as you turn to the Lord. Responding to Adversity with Faith: Your success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on your responses to the difficulties of life. An account in the Book of Mormon illustrates different responses to adversity. The prophet Lehi and his family had been traveling in the wilderness for several days, using their bows and arrows to hunt for food. The family encountered difficulties when Lehi’s sons lost the use of their bows. Laman and Lemuel’s bows lost their spring, and Nephi’s broke. Hungry and tired, Laman and Lemuel began to complain against the Lord. Even Lehi began to murmur. Nephi, on the other hand, refused to be discouraged. He went to work. He recounted: “I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food?” Humbled because of Nephi’s words, Lehi asked the Lord where they should go for food. The Lord answered his prayers and led Nephi to a place where he could obtain food. (See 1 Nephi 16:15–31.) When some people face adversity, they are like Laman and Lemuel. They complain and become bitter. They ask questions like “Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this now? What have I done to deserve this?” But these questions have the power to dominate their thoughts. Such questions can overtake their vision, absorb their energy, and deprive them of the experiences the Lord wants them to receive. Rather than responding in this way, you should follow Nephi’s example. Consider asking questions such as, “What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?” 

There have been many times I have murmured in life, even to the point of wondering if I am related to Laman and Lemuel. In the past I have let myself be a victim and ask those questions that have power to dominate my thoughts, and they did. This trial is different. It is one of the hardest trials I have ever faced and yet I have felt so much peace. I feel that is partly because of my faith and partly because of the prayers of others who I know are praying mightily on my behalf. To those who are praying for me, I thank you with all my heart, because I truly feel them. I feel they have made my burden light. Thank you for taking a few moments out of your busy lives to think about me and pray for me.

A friend reached out to me and asked me to share how I have "been of good cheer" through this trial. She was gathering stories of others for her talk on Sunday, what they have done to be of good cheer during trying times. This was my response: Even in the deepest moments of despair, we can choose gratitude. We can praise God for all He has freely given us. We can thank God for the trial and ask what lessons and hidden treasures there are in store. We can keep an eternal perspective. We can reflect on past blessings as a way to strengthen our testimony and keep us faithful during our trials. We can picture being wrapped in the loving arms of our Savior, for He is the only one who can truly understand the emotions we are dealing with. We can surround ourselves with people who love, support, and encourage us. We can choose to listen to uplifting music. We can journal and express our deepest thoughts. (Welcome to my journal.) We can pray and ask for angels to help comfort us. Yes, we can do all of these things or none of these things, but we must remember, it is a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our circumstances or we can choose to be victorious and be a light in this world. We all have trials. There are people who are suffering even more than we can imagine. In this trial, I choose light. I choose strength. I choose hope. I choose to turn to Christ and lean on His strength when I am weak. I will add that agency was our 1st gift. We have the gift to choose.

Yesterday I allowed myself time to grieve after I put my baby down for his morning nap. I drew a hot bath, grabbed my iPod, and a sugar cookie. I cried and I cried. My heart is hurting. I was angry that I didn't have more time to spend with my son because I had to turn my focus away from him and on to me so I didn't loose my life. I am angry I didn't even turn him over to see the right side of his tiny body. I was angry I didn't get a photo with him. I was angry mostly about my time being cut short with him to mourn right after he was born. He seemed perfect to me and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about my son. I was too exhausted after I got home from the E.R. and as you know when I picked up his tiny body, he was cold, so I wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in his tiny casket. While crying I prayed. I prayed for understanding. I remembered a priesthood blessing a neighbor had given me right after I found out my baby had no heartbeat. In the blessing I was told that in the future the reasons would be made clear. Then I felt Heavenly Father say to me that I chose this plan. I knew what was ahead on this mortal journey. Then He reminded me of my patriarchal blessing and how I am to be a light to others and influence many for good while I am here upon the earth. In recent years I have wondered how many is "many"? Ten people? Over a hundred people? Thousands? Tens of thousands? Who knows? Here I am just being me really. Raw, real, open, and authentic.

I would like to say thank you to those who have been reading my blog. Thank you for sharing it with others who may need to read what I have written. I am honored you are here on this journey with me.