Grief

Over 300 people read my first entry An Unexpected Curve Ball. There were also over 300 people who read He Is Here. Those were my main blog entries regarding my journey, but if you didn't know...there were posts between those two main entries as well as more afterward.

Shortly after I found out my baby had no heartbeat, I was at a thrift store and came across a book by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed. The book is only 76 pages and I decided to read through it to see how I could relate. If I ever write a book, it better be less than a 100 pages. I prefer quick, easy, to the point books. Why oh why do people think they need to be over 300 pages? As a type 1 woman, I have lots of ideas, lots of interests, and lots of books I want to read. I will start 3-5 books in a week only to make it through 1 chapter in each book because I will get distracted by another good book that I want to read before the books I was already reading. Ya.....I know I'm not the only one out there who does this. I even began reading the book Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done by Jon Acuff, and ironically I didn't even finish it! Ha ha! I read half of A Grief Observed one night after I put my kiddos to bed. I wasn't even that interested in his book a few pages in, no offense to those who have read it. Reading it made me sad, not because of his grief, or my own grief, but sad that he didn't have the bigger picture like I do. The eternal perspective. The knowledge and reassurance that my baby is an angel and he is sealed to me through all eternity. 

The next evening I told myself I was going to give myself the gift of finishing so I could say not only did I start something, but by golly I finished it! So I finished it! Yay for me! There is one part that I want to share with you. I did not cry when I read it, but it was the only thing that tugged at my heart. I normally don't cry when I write my blog....I just brain dump. I don't even proof read my own stuff. Words just travel from my brain, down through my fingertips, and onto a blank canvas. I'm sure if I read this post tomorrow, I will most likely cry. 

C.S. Lewis writes "What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness has not lost a greater things, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."

Today was a busy day which made it hard because I wanted to schedule time to grieve and it just didn't happen. I had 2 trips to the hospital. The 1st was for an ultrasound to make sure my womb was empty. The 2nd was to get another ultrasound in radiology due to a possible blood clot in my leg. My day began at 7:30 a.m.: Wake up, make waffles, alarm goes off to head to the hospital, Ultrasound, see doctor, Christmas shopping, energy session, picked up kindergartner, back to the hospital, store for candy for class party, pick up school kids, back to store for a birthday present, home, laundry, headache, dishes, empty garbage, eat dinner, spent a few minutes talking to our dear friends who brought us dinner, a few tears shed, bathe baby and get him to sleep and get older kids to bed. It was late and I had tucked my kiddos in bed and sat down to write. Then my oldest came upstairs because he needed to finish wrapping a present for his friend's birthday party tomorrow. Then my daughter came up and reminded me we needed an 8 x 8 piece of cardboard wrapped in tin foil for an art project at school tomorrow. She also told me she had growing pains and needed an energy session. So I quickly worked on her and then my son asked for an energy session as well. By this point I was beyond tired. It was a busy day and where I released so much emotion yesterday, my body would have benefited from a nap. I was shooing them out of the kitchen so I could take time for me to be alone and grieve. It dawned on me that I really have not cried in front of my children. I need them to see that it is okay to grieve when you need to and there is no shame in crying in front of others. I don't want to send them the wrong messages that I'm not sad because they don't see it or that you have to hide how you are feeling. I will be having a talk with them tomorrow about emotions and healthy ways to express their emotions.

Another song that hit close to home on the radio. I love listening to K-Love! It lifts my soul!

Broken Hallelujah - The Afters

I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where you are

I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But you're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know you make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to you
Here's my broken
Here's my broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
'Cause you've been here from the very start

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know you make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken
Here's my broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Here's my broken hallelujah

When all is taken away
Don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing hallelujah
When I feel afraid,
Don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing
Let me always sing

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (here's my broken hallelujah)
Here's my broken
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (here's my broken hallelujah)
Here's my broken
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah