Being a Light

I love writing. It is very therapeutic for me. I went to Genius Bootcamp hosted by Leslie Householder last year from November 15-17. During the class I felt I needed to blog and write more. I thought about it over the last year, even feeling prompted at times to write. Unfortunately I never heeded the prompting and did what I was asked. Ironically the very day I began the class last year, is the very same day this year that I found out my baby would have no heartbeat, and here I am finally writing. My only regret not writing sooner, is maybe there would have been someone else reading my blog who I could have helped. Someone else who was looking for something uplifting and inspiring. And yet here I write about my journey of miscarriage. Friday, December 6th, I was sitting in the carpool line when a song came on the radio that touched me (posted below). It is my hope that I am a light to others. It is a hope that others who follow my journey will feel inspired by my deep faith and testimony of Christ. If you feel you know someone who would benefit from reading my posts, please share my blog with them.

Today the floodgates opened and I dropped to my knees. I have been strong through this. I have allowed myself to cry when needed. I have allowed myself to feel the heartache. But today, today the floodgates opened. I finally dropped to my knees to process the grief, pain, trauma, miscarriage, heartache, evidence that my baby was gone, sadness, and talk to God. Then I read my own post He Is Here and I sobbed even more. I have been so strong through it all. Processing everything through writing and tears and chocolate. I knew this moment would come when it would hit me and take my breath away. I knew it would come after the baby was born. I knew it would be hard. Tears, tissues, puffy eyes, and a headache. I knew what was ahead. And then my youngest woke up from his nap and grief was put on hold.

My friend told me today that grief is an event and I need to take time to schedule it. Take time to just be and feel. She even suggested a tear jerker movie but I didn't need one to start my tears. They have been waiting. Waiting to fall until I finally allowed myself to fall apart. Reading my own post from yesterday made me realize this is me. This is my story. This is my current tragedy of loss. But it is also of hope. Hope and faith. Knowing everything is in divine order. Knowing that I am open and can help others who may be going through this, have gone through this, or will go through this. I once heard somewhere in my lifetime that our trials are not just for us, they are for others. Our stories are to share. They help us connect to others. I have had at least one person a day reach out to see how I am doing. It is not the same person and it makes me feel loved and valued and that others truly do care about me and are thinking of me and praying for me during this difficult time.

I have decided that I need to set an alarm for some time in the day to pause and really take time to pray. So often, by the time I am crawling into bed, I am exhausted and my Heavenly Father gets what little is left to give for the day. I'm sure he has kept track of how many times I have fallen asleep when praying, and how many times my mind wanders. I admit, it is in the thousands...if not tens of thousands. I am committing to pray earlier in the day when I have energy and my mind isn't so jumbled as it winds down for the day. My friend told me that my children prayed for me when I was in the E.R. and gave the sweetest prayers. My daughter kissed my belly all day long on Sunday telling me she was just so sad about the baby. It breaks my heart. I am so grateful for the gift of prayer. I saw something on Facebook about prayer being the first form of a cordless phone. We can use it anywhere and we never loose a signal or something along those lines. When is the last time you knelt down and prayed? When is the last time you poured your heart out to God? Do you realize He already knows what you need before you even ask? I have thanked God for the gift of prayer over and over throughout the years. My life wouldn't be the same without it.

Glow In The Dark

Jason Gray

Sometimes the world feels like a mess
Full of drama, full of stress
And life puts a fist right in your ribs
You can hide if you choose to
And no one would even blame you
Or you can let them see how you deal with it

That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate

Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark

Don't be ashamed of your past
If you're shattered like a piece of glass
The more broke you are the more the light gets through
Show your wounds and your flaws
Show them why you still need the cross
Let them see the work He's doing in you

That even in the darkest place
His love can make you radiate

Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark

Doesn't matter how deep, how dark the night is
Keep hoping, keep on shining
And they'll see His light burning in your heart
And if the road gets rough, just keep your head up
Let the world see what you're made of
That His love's alive in your deepest parts
Like a flame, like a burning star you can shine right where you are
He made you to glow in the dark
Glow in the dark
Doesn't matter how
Glow in the dark
Doesn't matter how