Healing

It's crazy to think that it has been 6 months since I made my last entry. This beautiful space allowed for so much of my healing. I am grateful to have journaled about my experience with my miscarriage. I was amazed at how many women reached out to me to tell me that sharing my experience helped them. 

We all need healing. We have all felt pain, sorrow, and heartache. We don't always know how to deal with those intense feelings. Sometimes we stuff them. Sometimes we try to cope with food or other addictions. Often those intense emotions get stuck in our bodies because we did not process them correctly.

I remember a few years after the birth of my second child I kept feeling pain down yonder. When giving birth I had torn. Years later the feelings were coming back. The pain had been on and off for a few months. I would always see an image in my mind of a knife like I had been cut. I asked a friend who does energy work about my experience. She told me even our cells have memory and remember what happened. We released the energy that was there and I've never felt the pain since. 

On Sunday, November 15th, it will mark one year since my doctor's appointment where I found out my baby had no heartbeat. I've been thinking about my experience with having a miscarriage. I've been thinking about the women I have met because of my loss. The women who have suffered much. I've been thinking about my sweet little Emerson. 

As I was pondering all of this, I had the idea to create a Healing Meditation for Miscarriage. I got super excited to create something beautiful that will help women heal. I grabbed my laptop and put all my ideas onto the page. I came back to it a few hours later and added more. A few days went by and I read through everything again. I wanted to make sure I could help as many women as possible with the words in the meditation. 

I sent it to a few friends for feedback and received beautiful words of gratitude for what I created. One of my friends said "I feel so much lighter. Especially in my chest. I didn't even realize I had a weight on my chest, but noticeably feels easier to breathe." Her miscarriage was over a year ago. Most people don't realize we are carrying around emotional weight. This weight is not serving us and weighs us down whether we can feel it or not. My intention in creating this recording is to help women release any of the emotional weight they are carrying that is not serving them. My intent is to help women heal from their experiences. To feel better, to feel lighter. When we feel better we do better. We show up as a better version of ourselves and serve others with more compassion.

This holiday season I hope you will give the gift of healing. Whether it's you who needs this, a family member, or a friend. Please share this gift with them. Now through Sunday, the recording is on sale. Click HERE for the link to purchase the Healing Meditation for Miscarriage.

Thank you to all the brave women out there who have used this meditation to heal. It's not always easy to remember the trials and pain we have gone through and it takes strength to want to heal.

Moments Cherished this Mother's Day

I don't typically think too far into the future. For instance, when I found out I was expecting my fourth child, due June 7th, I was excited that I would have a summer baby and my children would be out of school, so I wouldn't have to play bus driver with a newborn. Other than that, I didn't think about days or being pregnant on certain holidays. Mother's Day is tomorrow and my womb is empty and my heart still slightly broken.

May 7th marked 5 months since my miscarriage and exactly 1 month before my due date. My baby most likely would have been born this month. The same month I have my birthday. And yet, he had another plan. A plan I never could have imagined myself in. 

There are moments I long for what I lost. Moments I wish I was pregnant. Moments my heart still aches. Moments tears begin to fall unexpectedly. Moments of sadness. Moments of flashbacks. Moments I never want to forget, like his birth and holding my sweet baby. There have also been many moments of peace. Moments of healing. Moments of happiness found in my other children. Moments I have felt angels lifting me up. Moments I have felt close to God. Moments I choose to cherish this Mother's Day.

I love this art titled "Lovingly Watched Over" by Kate Lee. You can find it at Deseret Book.

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again

Rocking life in 2018. “Busy” is an understatement:

• My final year of college earning a dual major bachelor's degree
• Straight A’s in college
• Building our home and 4 other homes through Neighborhood Housing Solutions where you literally build 65% of all the homes putting in 30 hours a week until all are completed
• 9 months and 3 weeks to build all 5 homes
• I was pregnant all 9 months
• Gestational Diabetes, heart palpitations, gallbladder issues and a trip to the ER.
• Two adorable children
• Teaching Relief Society 
• Moved into our new home when my baby was a week old

Life was great! Then we moved into our new home, in a sense, things fell apart. My dreams of an organized and spacious home became a nightmare of too much furniture. Furniture that was meant to go into a soon to be finished basement scheduled to only take a few short months. 15 months later…the furniture finally sat in it’s designated space. Feeling out of control, overwhelmed, and feeling like a failure, I shut down and became numb.

It was January 3, 2019, another gloomy, cold, winter day. Overwhelmed with life, my house, and my role as a mother, I was numb and very depressed. My 4 month old was sleeping. My house was crammed with wall to wall furniture. There was a large couch sitting in the entryway that was a magnet for clutter. My space felt cramped and suffocating. My unfinished basement weighed heavily on my mind. The house was quiet. In the stillness and my absolute despair, yet wanting to feel again, wanting to pull myself out of this darkness, my first inspired step came. I felt to reach out to a friend and ask “What is the fastest way to start to feel again?” 

I walked into my overly crowded living room and sat at the computer desk my husband made for me. Sitting down on the wooden barstool, it was cold to the touch. I shivered as I heard the furnace kick on. I sat swiveling mindlessly back and forth as the computer was booting up. Shoulders hunched, feeling helpless, and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, all of a sudden lyrics came into my mind, “Tell your heart to beat again.” The words tugged at my heart with a familiarity that I cannot explain. Finding the song on the internet, I purchased it. I played the song over and over on repeat for hours that day, hoping to feel again. That was the second inspired step that led to my healing and my life’s purpose.

Everything is in divine order and everything is in perfect harmony. That first inspired step led to the next step. I was prompted to reach out to a friend who introduced me to energy work. After making an appointment, I felt a spark of hope. My session was amazing! I felt so much lighter and connected spiritually then I had in a very long time. My vision seemed to improve like I was coming out of a fog. In a brief moment, life seemed manageable. 

Each inspired next step led me out of the darkness and helped me find the light again. My days are filled with hope, optimism, and peace, even while the world is in chaos. As my inner world changed through energy work, my outer world changed through my actions. I have slowly peeled back layers and removed walls from the past, revealing my true self. A better version of me. When I look in the mirror, I recognize the woman staring back at me.

Sitting on the barstool swiveling back and forth for months, I trained to become an energy practitioner. I now use the tools that helped me overcome despair, overwhelm, and depression to help empower other women. My life transformed as my energy shifted from surviving to thriving, overwhelmed to relieved, and depressed to peaceful. If you feel it’s time to find your spark of hope, schedule a session with me.

Here is a playlist that helped me. I hope you can find a spark of hope through these songs.

Sheena

435.232.0027

“Sheena is amazing. She has helped me in so many ways and I am so grateful to her. I always feel energized, clear and light after our sessions. Sheena is so friendly, personable, and extremely easy to open up to. She is truly gifted and I would recommend her to anyone.” ~Tiffany Onwuegbu

“Sheena is so gifted and intuitive!  I have loved my sessions with her.  She was able to pinpoint my issues at the deepest level and release them, giving me so much clarity.  I felt so much lighter and happier after working with her.  I would recommend Sheena to anyone!  She is the best!” ~ Julie Hawkes

“Energy work has been a big part of mine and my family's life for the last 10 years. It is hard to find someone you can trust and has similar values as you. Finding Sheena was a blessing in my life. I have lived in the Cache Valley for over 4 years and finding her was a treasure. Going and seeing Sheena for a session was comforting to me and peaceful. She has a light that helps you know what she is doing is for your good. Her gift is remarkable and her love shines through her work. Thank you Sheena for helping me clear false beliefs, unneeded baggage, and darkness from my life.” ~ Lacie R.

Thankful & Grateful

Staring at this blank page wondering where to begin. It has been two months since my miscarriage. Two months since I saw my baby in the flesh. Two months since I experienced one of the hardest days of my life.

As you may have previously read, I don't typically cry while I write. This time is different, the tears are already rolling down my cheeks. Did this really happen to me? It seems like a dream or a movie.  But it is my reality, a part of my story. The pain is real, the tender feelings in my heart are real, and the memories of that day are very real.

On the 1st Sunday in January I was helping my daughter fill out a "Get to know you" sheet that her new primary teachers had dropped off. There was a line asking how many brothers she had and their names. Tears stung my eyes because I still had not named my baby. My husband noticed the tears and asked me what was wrong. He told me to go pray about it and name the baby. I had a name in mind ever since the day after I found out my baby did not have a heartbeat. Naming a baby is very important to me. I hadn't even thought of names since it was early on in my pregnancy. It is a special experience to name a baby and I wanted it to be the right name. Through a tearful prayer, I felt good about the name that had been on my mind. I named our baby Emerson. The name means brave & powerful.

A few weeks passed since naming our baby. My husband mentioned since I had chosen a name for our baby, that I needed to add a photo of him to our family wall. It had been on my mind for a good week at that point, so I set out to find a frame. I have one ultrasound photo, three photos of Emerson after he was born, and the photo I keep using of Christ holding an infant in his arms. I went shopping to find the perfect frame. I had an idea in mind but kept praying I would find the perfect frame that would have two or three spaces for photos. I found the perfect frame at Michael's. 

Thankful I had the opportunity to fill my womb for a brief time. Thankful I have an ultrasound photo of my baby. Grateful I was able to experience giving birth to my baby at home. Grateful for the tender mercy that he looked so beautiful and alive after having passed away five weeks prior. Grateful that I have the gospel in my life and I know that my baby is safe in Heaven. Grateful for tender mercies throughout this experience. Grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who trusted me to be the mother of this sweet boy. Grateful to have Emerson's photo on our family wall.

One of the hardest parts of this experience is when the phone calls and text messages stopped. They stopped the first week after my miscarriage. I knew I had people praying and supporting me through prayers, but there were moments when I felt alone. I talked to a friend about it and she said she was still thinking of me but didn't want to keep bringing up the baby and make me sad. Every woman experiences loss differently, and I am one who is fine if you ask me how I am doing. For me, it is okay to talk about what I went through. If you don't know what to say, that is okay too. A hug or a simple "I have been thinking about you" is great. I won't break down crying and fall apart on you. You don't have to feel weird or awkward. Also, if you want to see a photo of my son, just ask. I am happy to show others. I didn't post them for the world to see, because not everyone wants to see.

Other than my second trip to the Emergency Room, and another incident of gushing blood three days after that trip, wondering if I was going to need to go to the E.R. for the third time...I've been doing okay. My hormones have had issues for a while...but physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am doing okay. 

After I had Emerson, I wanted to have a break from life. I wanted someone to come take my children for a week so I could rest, heal, and grieve. But that didn't happen. I didn't have anyone who could help out by taking my children. Life went on. I found a few days during the month to get in a nap. I cried when I needed to. I got a Priesthood blessing when I needed one. And when I needed comfort, I would get the best hugs and squeezes from my youngest. He has been such a key to healing my heart.

A few weeks ago I was peeling a Halo for my youngest when I found a tiny slice. Tears stung my eyes as it reminded me of how small Emerson was. I compared this photo to the first photo I took of Emerson and this slice is even bigger than my son was. I am still blown away at how quickly a baby forms in the womb. He had arms and fingers, legs and toes, eyes and a mouth and I could see his ears forming. Grateful I was able to see and hold my sweet Emerson.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to see if the "larger than a baseball" cyst is gone. Hoping to get good news next week. 

Buy one get one free for the Emergency Room please.

Monday December 30th. We packed up the mini van and headed to SLC to have a getaway as a family. We hit up Toads for arcade games and prizes. Hoagies corner for some ice cream. Savers cuz I like thrift stores. Then off to hang out with my brother in law. My children adore him. We went to the Provo Rec Center which was a blast! Water slides, lazy river, jungle gym to climb on with more slides, pool, and hot tub. Cache Valley really needs to get something like this indoors. It was so much fun! After swimming we went back to Carson's house to change and then head out to dinner. We sat down at Texas Roadhouse and began enjoying some rolls. We placed our order and the waiter said they were backed up on food so he would put our order in and then grab our drinks. 

About a minute later I felt a gush between my legs. I hurried to the bathroom to find all 3 stalls full. Once in the stall I found myself drenched in blood. It had soaked through the only pair on jeans I packed. As I sat on the toilet, blood was draining from my body. Flashbacks of my experience after having my miscarriage rose to the surface of my mind. Keep calm I told myself. Don't pass out I told myself. I texted my husband and told him to help. He called me and I told him what was happening. I told him to go grab a diaper from the car. I cleaned myself up the best I could with the ultra thin toilet paper public restrooms have to offer. I heard voices of mothers helping their children wash their hands. I unlocked the stall door and felt I was in a daze. I asked if any of them had babies and happen to have wet wipes and none of them did. 

Let me see if I can put words into what I was feeling. I felt alone. My vision felt blurred. I felt like I wanted to scream and say "Do you not know that I am gushing blood?! Please help me!" I felt frustration. I wondered why people couldn't see I needed help. I opened the door to find my husband holding pads and a diaper. Back into the stall I went. I sat there for a minute watching the blood drain from me so I could see how quickly it was coming out of my body. I had blood all down my thighs. I cleaned up again the best I could with the ultra thin toilet paper and stuck the diaper beneath me and pulled up my blood soaked pants. Luckily, when I first felt the gush at the table, I put on my coat which hangs a few inches below my rear to hide the blood. 

Carson and my husband gathered the kids and I went to find the server to tell him sorry but we had to leave and go to the ER. We had Carson drive since we were in an area where we didn't know where anything was. Pretty sure we hit every single red light. As we headed to the hospital my breathing was all over the place and I heard my husband tell me to breathe normal. So I took some deep breaths and distracted myself from the situation by texting the top ten maybe fifteen people who had recently texted me. I asked for prayers immediately because I was heading back to the ER, only this time somewhere in SLC. 

There was a line at the ER just to check in. Someone grabbed a pad to place beneath me and had me sit in the wheelchair. Someone took my information on a piece of paper and we waited. We probably waited 15 minutes before getting checked in. Once in the ER room Chad, the Crisis EMT gave me some pads and the hospital undies to put on. I said um I'm going to need the huge diaper ones that they give women who just had a baby. I can fill those tiny pads in a matter of seconds. A nurse brought me a brief with gauze. 

I got all cleaned up and climbed into the hospital bed. Thank heaven for wet wipes! The nurse took my blood pressure and put the heart monitor on my finger. The blood pressure monitor is supposed to measure your blood pressure frequently. They must not have set it because it never took one again. I sat there thinking I was grateful that my husband was with me because no one checked on me and with the blood pressure monitor not giving any nurses who may have been watching my vitals any information, I could have bled to death and no one would have known. Even when I took off the heart monitor and the alarm was sounding there was no heartbeat, no one came. Interesting observation.

Over an HOUR later I finally pushed the call button. Chad came back in and said they were busy and he would see if he could get a doctor in to see me. I will add that my bleeding had pretty much stopped by the time I had cleaned myself up and climbed into the hospital bed. There was a large clot that passed in the hospital before I got to my room and after that, things slowed way down. Apparently 6 cops, 2 ambulance workers, and hospital staff were trying to control an angry, psychotic, patient in a wrestling match across the hall. I was placed on the back burner. 4 doctors in the hospital plus 2 PAs and the ER had seen 140 patients thus far in the day. 

I was bored and felt the urge to go to the bathroom. There was not a bathroom in my room which turned out to be a blessing. I walked out my door as the doctor was about to come in. I told him I could wait to use the restroom. He wanted blood samples and to do an ultrasound to see if they could see anything in my uterus. I told them I had one on the 10th in Logan and it was fine. He said we should do one anyway. Well they want a full bladder when doing an ultrasound so lucky them, I didn't go use the restroom. 

The ultrasound tech was awesome. We were having good conversation and I was laughing, he was laughing, and then he put the wand on my abdomen and said whoa that is a huge cyst. I asked "Are you serious?" He replied "I love to joke but I am serious." I asked if I could have a photo of my cyst so I took one on my phone. The cyst is larger than my bladder which was full. Measuring just shy of 8 cm and over 3 inches diameter. That would equal larger than a baseball. I just googled the diameter of a baseball and it is 2.94 inches. I think my husband said my cyst was 3.15 inches. Shock. I've never had a cyst. At least not that I am aware of I should say. Shock from finding I have one. Rapid thoughts of another surgery, how did the tech in Logan not catch this, or it was rapidly growing in the last 20 days, from nothing to over 3 inches. 

On the left is the cyst and the right is my bladder.

On a super funny note....my husband said I was delirious but I get loopy when I'm super tired and I was super tired. It was in the 10 o'clock hour that I had the ultrasound. Any way back to something I found absolutely hilarious. SO funny that I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. On the screen the cyst and bladder are black and look hollow because they are filled with fluid. All of a sudden in the black I see a white tadpole swim across the screen in my bladder. As I am laughing I ask the tech what in the world that was. He said it was my urine entering my bladder. So he showed me again as more urine released into my bladder. Oh man...either late night or trying to find joy in the journey...or a combination of both. 

Back in my room the doctor came in... who knows how much time had passed since I received the news of my giant cyst. The nurse was right behind him bringing in dressers on wheels. She began pulling things out of drawers and I felt myself panic. They hadn't said anything about what they were going to do. I felt anxiety watching trying to figure out what was going on. The doctor said the ultrasound looks good. He was at the computer looking up the results from my previous ultrasound in Logan. As he was looking at the monitor I told him to make sure he looked at the right ultrasound because I had had two different ones that day. One on my empty womb and one for a possible blood clot. I continued watching the nurse prep for something and began to calm my mind telling myself they won't do anything without telling me what they are going to do. I recognized what she was items she was gathering and realized it was for a pelvic exam and then my nerves calmed. Then it hit me that the doctor had said my ultrasound looked good. I said "Wait a minute, you told me that the ultrasound looked good when I have a cyst the size of a baseball!" He said "Yes, but your uterus looks good."

The doctor did a quick pelvic exam and told me to follow up with my doctor in the morning. He said the gushing could have been from me starting a period or could have been leftover material from my miscarriage. He said remnants can kind of be like a scab and when it peels away your body flushes it out. He told me the cyst could burst and I would feel a little pain and cramping but my body would absorb it. He said to follow up with my doctor on what he wants to do about the cyst because if they get to be 5 to 6 inches, they could twist which could cause issues. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seems and I'm only 35!

I was in the ER for just shy of 4 hours, getting back to my brother in laws just after midnight. At some point in time in the ER, a girl from registration came in and said "You have a copay of $200, how would you like to pay for that?" I told her we had one of those plastic cards that you swipe. We talked about how that would not be a fun part of her job..."Oh you are in the ER and your spouse is having a heart attack and you have a $1000 copay. How would you like to pay for that?"  

On a side note, I have to say I had the best medical staff with the best personalities working on my care. They were down to earth, joking, and laughing right along with me, I felt completely comfortable and in good hands. Brooke, my nurse, was the sweetest bringing me warm blankets and hot pads. Chad and my husband hit it off talking about hunting and sheds. They practically became best friends when Chad said he could get my husband a Coke. Also when I was getting checked out I asked for a pair of scrubs since my pants were ruined. Chad returned and said "Here you go. One size that fits no one!" Ha ha! Nate my tech was funny. My doctor was great too. He got me laughing even harder than the ultrasound tech but I will save that story for when you ask me about it. :)

Thank you to my prayer warriors. I needed prayers quick cuz I didn't know what to expect. This situation completely caught me off guard. I thought my body was healing just fine from the miscarriage. To my friends who kept texting me asking how I was and checking on any updates, thank you! Thank you for your prayers and keeping me distracted by texting back and forth.  

I called my doctor's office Tuesday morning and my doctor is out of the office until Friday.

To read about my first trip to the ER 3 weeks prior, read He Is Here.

My Empty Womb

Reflections from my empty womb to His empty tomb. Jesus Christ, my Savior, and yours, suffered even more than we can imagine. He felt every single pain and emotion that we would experience on this journey called life. He knows each and every single person. He knows their strengths and their weaknesses. He knows their trials and triumphs. He understands heartache and pain more than I ever will. Christ suffered and died for the sins of the world. He took that weight upon himself. Because of His great sacrifice, it gives me hope. I know that He knows me. He understands me. He loves me. Because of Him, we have the gift of repentance. To fall short, repent, and try again. Christ lives! His tomb is empty because He lives! He lives and my son too will live again. He is always there during our trials. We may not feel him, but He knows what we are going through. He sends angels to help comfort us. Sometimes those angels are relatives who have past on and sometimes they are our earthly angels; family, friends, and neighbors. 

If you are going through a trial in your life that seems to heavy to bear, pray to have your burdened lifted, even for just a moment to help you through your trying times. I have done that many times and have felt the burden lifted for a time. Prayer is so powerful. You must have faith. Faith that God can do anything. Miracles happen every single day around the world. Look for miracles in your life. Focus on gratitude. Have you ever offered a genuine prayer of gratitude, asking for nothing in your prayer, but praising God for your life and the many blessings you already have or have had? I once took a challenge to offer a prayer of gratitude that lasted 20 minutes. Do you know how hard that was? I think I checked the time about 6 minutes in because I had run out of things to say. Try it. It is eye opening. There is so much to be truly grateful for. The night I found out my baby had no heartbeat, I prayed and thanked my Father in Heaven for this trial. I don't have all the answers as to what I am supposed to learn, but I know it is for my benefit. To humble me, to strengthen me, to have more understanding and empathy towards others who have gone through this, to push me out of my comfort zone, to become even more authentic, to refine me, and the list goes on...

As I am writing this, there is less than 5 minutes remaining and my baby will have been born exactly one week ago. Where has the time gone? It seems to have gone by so quickly. It is like a blur. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, eating, taking care of children, carpooling, sleeping, it all still took place. The world didn't stop just because my baby passed away. I remember my cousins funeral 11 years ago. It seemed so weird that the world still continued to turn. People were still driving around running errands, or going to lunch. Who knows what they were doing, but the world didn't stop. People still went home to their families. Life continued on for most of the world that day and only a small percent of the world even knew about my cousin's death.

I went into the hospital on Tuesday for an ultrasound. They check to make sure it is empty and things have cleared out. I've never had an ultrasound on an empty womb. I fought back tears. Less than 72 hours prior it was occupied. Occupied with a baby. Occupied with an earthly body. Occupied with a miracle. And yet the little heart inside of my womb had stopped beating 5 weeks prior. My womb is empty and my heart is heavy. 

My Empty Womb

Through muscle testing, which is a way to give your spirit a voice, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating on November 3rd in the morning. A friend and I were driving home that day from St. George. We had just attended the Energy Healing Conference on Saturday. I was able to go to some of the classes as well as help my friend at her booth. Anyway, we were driving home and we began doing an energy session on me. What came up was that I was disconnected to my angels. I thought that was a little interesting because I do not have the gift of seeing them, or hearing them, and very very rarely do I feel their presence, so in a sense, I feel I'm always disconnected from them. Another friend of mine a few years back was telling me she talks to her guardian angels every day. I admit, I thought she was a little crazy. And you all are probably thinking I'm a little crazy... I had never even thought that angels were always with us. I kinda thought they showed up in an emergency type situation. Another friend said she had never met anyone who didn't have two angels with them at all times. So this whole angel idea was new to me. 

Back to my energy session. My friend asked if my baby had a message for me. We found the message was in the Emotions and Essential Oils book under Holiday Peace. The message was "Holiday Peace... reminds that there are seasons and cycles for all living things." I remember feeling my energy shift. Our brains can think and process extremely quickly. I remember thinking uh-oh. And then my mind said I am fine, I have carried 3 healthy children, nothing is wrong. Then I had a flash back of me talking to a woman one day at lunch who was pregnant with triplets and lost one during pregnancy and she said that the spirit goes straight up when it leaves the body. Then I imagined how that would feel. All this took place in a matter of seconds and I snapped back into the present moment and pushed it all away and thought I'm fine. 

I don't know why, maybe hormones, but you have crazy thoughts when you are pregnant. You are always worried that you haven't felt the baby move or something could be wrong. So I thought what happened above was natural and pushed it away thinking it was just irrational, crazy pregnant woman thoughts. I found out through muscle testing weeks later, that my baby had actually passed away before he gave me that message. So my spirit knew what had happened and was feeling disconnected to my baby. Insert a whole wave of emotions as I type this all out. 

How interesting that the message from my baby was under Holiday Peace. We were going to announce we were expecting on Thanksgiving. I found out on November 15th that my baby had no heartbeat. I delivered him over 3 weeks later on December 7th. Right in the middle of two holidays. If you read the whole page on Holiday Peace, it is the oil of contemplation. It talks a lot about  reflecting on wisdom gained from the past and on generational healing. Something I have been working on through energy work since May. I occasionally will feel my ancestors near who need work done. Holiday Peace "...offers reassurance to the individual being called as the living link to heal the family line for past and future generations and encourages them to make peace within and without." I am that living link.

My Angel on a Tree

I'm learning so much through this trial. I attended a Share Parent meeting at Logan Regional Hospital last night. I had no idea a support group even existed until my friend told me about it. At the beginning you go around and share who you are and about your children on both sides of the veil. You can share as much or as little as you want. It was eye opening to see how many miscarriages women have had. Some had lost up to 4 children due to miscarriages. My heart goes out to them. We got to color an angel for each of our losses and hang it on the angel tree that sits in the lobby of the Women's Center. My heart sunk as I saw a line to write a name and a death date. I don't like the word death. It also reminded me that I still haven't chosen a name for my little one yet. It has been on my mind. My little angel is near the top and looking out the window.  

Share Parents is a group who help women at the hospital who have just given birth to a baby who has previously passed on. They are the ones who come in and take photos of your baby and make little molds of their hands and feet. They often give you a little blanket for your little one. They have been through their own losses and can relate. These are priceless gifts that each mother is given. My friends who have gone through this at the hospital truly cherish these priceless gifts of the molds and photographs. Share Parents has many resources on their website. This website is specific to Utah.

I also found out that there is an option if your baby dies before 20 weeks to have the baby cremated and the ashes placed in a vault in Baby Land in the Logan Cemetery. I had a few friends recently tell me about this. I had no idea that existed. A few women chose to buy burial plots. You can also have your baby buried at the bottom of your burial plot, so you would share the same plot with your baby.

A friend and I were texting the other day and she wrote "A loss is a loss." So often we compare, but she is right, a loss is a loss. May we always be kind to others and love them unconditionally as they navigate this life. We were not sent here to judge one another, but to lift, encourage, and strengthen one another.