Surrender

If I surrender, does that mean I am giving up? I believe the answer is no. I am surrendering my will and I am letting go of trying to control the outcome. No matter what I do, my body will not go into labor. This has happened with all of my pregnancies. My oldest was 8 days late and after 21 hours of induced labor, ended in a C-section. My middle child my water broke and I was so extremely happy. I was happy that my body knew how to go into labor and begin the process on it's own. Well 6 hours after my water broke I was not in labor. No contractions, no dilating, no progress. I was devastated. Why doesn't my body work like other women? I have many ancestors who had their babies without needing to be induced. What was wrong with me? Those thoughts plagued my mind. My youngest was also induced. So on the 26th after doing some energy work and my body beginning the process of releasing the baby, I was thrilled! It brought me peace and happiness for a few reasons. It gave me hope that my body could do this on it's own without intervention. It also calmed my mind knowing that the baby was for sure gone and I didn't need to go in for another ultrasound...just in case. Yesterday I worked on clearing negative trapped emotions from my womb and cervix. Immediately my body began to cramp. I was so excited because I saw this as progress. After a few hours, the cramping stopped completely. Not much has been happening throughout this whole process. No pain, no major releasing of what needs to come out. I called the doctor's office to give them an update. They have been kind and have been checking in on me. The doctor wanted me to come in so they could draw blood and run some tests. The doctor himself called me with the results in the evening. I told him I really wanted to honor my body for starting the process and that I wanted to wait another week to see what happens. My results were fine and he wasn't concerned with the results. He explained some concerns regarding how long this is taking my body and recommended that I take the pills sooner than later so I don't end up having further complications. 

I'm devastated. Yesterday I had given a friend an update and she said she was proud of me for not giving up and allowing my body a chance. I was grateful she said that, because that is how I felt. I felt like I should give my body the chance, especially since it began the process on it's own. It has been 10 days since nature began the process. It's been 34 days since my little boy's heart stopped beating. And here I sit patiently waiting. I've tried to help my body with oils, resting, praying, meditating, an occasional nap, a foot zone, baths, healthy meals, and energy work. I feel at this point it is time to surrender my hope of having a natural birth experience. For whatever reason, my body can't or won't do this. I am grateful that I live in a day and age where there are options to assist in moving the process along. 

I can feel your prayers. I feel a blanket of comfort and protection that I have been offered on behalf of your prayers. I feel my burden is light. Thank you for those who continue to pray for me and send your love my way. It is felt. It is comforting. It brings me peace.