He Is Here

My journey begins here. (click for link)

My baby was born at home on December 7th at 3:56 p.m. He looks perfect. He has a little mouth, eyes, ears, arms, and legs. He is the size of a small Lima bean. He is flesh colored. I held him in the palm of my hand and sobbed. I knew this would be the hardest part. Seeing him made me realize his heart truly beats no more. He was 9 weeks when his heart stopped beating. I delivered him at 14 weeks. He was due June 6, 2020.

My mind cannot comprehend the miracle of life. How was he so perfectly formed, looking alive and yet his little heart had stopped beating 5 weeks ago?

Below are details and I do mean details of what happened. If you don't want to read them, then please stop reading at this point.

I told God on the night of the 6th what my plan was for having the baby and to wake me up at 3 a.m. so I could take the pills and begin the process. I awoke on the 7th just a few minutes before 3 a.m. I was told by the doctor to take the pills with food so I grabbed a snack and grabbed the pills. That is when the tears began to flow. I didn't want to take the pills. I didn't want to feel the pain. I didn't want to put an end to this chapter. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about this chapter ending.

I took the pills and took half of a pain killer. I went back to bed to lay down and see if I could go back to sleep. I felt my body begin to do something but I don't know the word to describe the feeling. My mind was all over the place and I kept telling it to quiet down so I could sleep. I prayed I would be able to fall asleep again. I awoke at 6:30 a.m. to use the restroom. Nothing had happened. Not a sign that anything was happening. Then I thought are you serious?! Am I going to need the surgery after all this? And then the process began. Cramping and bleeding. Not painful. I was grateful for that. The pain killer had worn off (I swear they don't even work on me) and I was grateful to feel what was happening to my body. I had scheduled an energy session to work on a friend that morning at 8:00 a.m. and I felt I strongly needed to keep the appointment. I had prayed the night before and asked that I still would have the ability to work on my friend. I was able to do a 50-minute session with her all while in labor.

I wanted to give birth at home in a nice warm bath. I am known as "high risk" when it comes to pregnancies and so I have never put myself in a position to try to give birth at home if complications were to arise. Complications arose with every single birth. I put my youngest down for a nap around 2:30 p.m. and I was tired. I tried to lay down and take a nap. A voice kept telling me to go get in the tub and I would have my baby. I can be a little stubborn sometimes and want things my way...and I wanted to nap first. 50 minutes later, I still hadn't fallen asleep and so I finally gave in and went to soak in the tub. I wasn't in there for more than a few minutes when my pain shot up to a level 10. I sat up and my baby came right out. I am so grateful for how well he looked. I had feared and yet prayed for it to happen this way. I wanted to see my baby. I wanted to hold him. I got of one of my heart's deepest desires. God is so good and so merciful. I was quite surprised to see that he looked just like the images in the pregnancy apps that show you images of how your baby looks week by week.

I texted my husband that the baby was here and 100% intact. He was working a block away and came home. I was crying. He asked if I was okay and I told him I was fine and that he could return to work. About 3 minutes after he left I called him and told him he needed to come back immediately. I was about to pass out. I was losing a lot of blood and a lot of large clots. From my fingertips to my elbow I become paralyzed. I could feel tingling but could not move my fingers. They were stiff. A neighbor had just sent me a text and I was able to push the speech-to-text option and tell her she needed to come get my children immediately and it was an emergency. My husband walked in at this time and was about to call an ambulance. I told him no and that I didn't want the bill for that ride. I had him call my doctor's office because I know sometimes you can reach a nurse after hours. I was able to get through and by the time we were done talking the feeling had begun to return to my hands. She said if I go through a pad an hour for 2 hours I needed to come in or if my clots were larger than me putting my index finger and thumb together. I was soaking a pad every few minutes. I couldn't stop bleeding. I sat on the toilet and blood just drained from my body along with many clots. At one point I asked for one of my youngest diapers, a size 3. I drenched the whole thing in less than a minute and a large clot came with it. I got another diaper, cleaned myself up for what seemed like the hundredth time and stood up to go sit in my bed. My friend got me juice and a rice cake. I really felt I needed to go to the hospital but I didn't want to pay for a trip to the E.R. either. I talked non-stop...this is typical of me but I was talking more than normal trying to distract myself from what was actually happening. My friend told me to stop talking and tune into my body to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She said she felt like I was trying to be strong. I felt I was going to pass out again. It was time to go to the hospital.

In the car, by the time we got to south Logan, I was fading fast. I told my husband I'm fading fast, you need to hurry, and I'm sorry if I pass out on you. I've never passed out in my life. I was sweating and had the window rolled down. I kept trying to take deep breaths and focus on breathing. I was praying. We arrived at the entrance to the E.R. and I told my husband to park because I didn't want him leaving me to go park the car. The minute I got out of the car another huge gush and clot came out. I remember saying please don't let it soak through. We got in right away and taken to a room. A young man started my IV and drew blood for some testing. They needed to clean me up and see what was going on. I told them good luck, it was a disaster down there. They assured me they had seen worse. I had the nicest P.A. a girl could ask for. Mark was so kind and gentle. He kept asking if I was doing okay and would let me know what was happening. I didn't have any pain medication. They wanted to give me some but I said my pain was only at a 1 and I didn't need any. There were a few times the pain level shot to maybe a 6, but it was bearable. I felt when he removed tissue that was still stuck to the lining. What had happened is I had tissue that got stuck in the cervix. I asked him if I were a pioneer what would have happened. He said I would have bled out, losing my life. The body tries to flush it out with blood and you end up bleeding to death. I had 55 angels supporting me, I felt 15 of them had lost their lives during childbirth. I was in the E.R. for almost 3 hours. The process probably took a half hour. I prayed a lot during that time. I thanked God for letting me live at a time where my life could be spared over and over due to modern technology, understanding of the body, and modern medication. I would have lost my life with my firstborn. I thanked Him for Mark being so good and respectful while he was literally cleaning me from the inside out. I asked God to bless him for his kindness and gentleness as well as bless his family. I was grateful this happened later in the evening so my husband could be away from work. He was the only supervisor there that day helping 22 families, 3 different groups, build their homes. I was grateful we had a hospital close. I was grateful I didn't pass out.

On our way home, we grabbed food. I was weak and needed food. We got home and I had my husband stop at the mailbox because I had a package delivered that I ordered 3 weeks ago. It is a wood frame and says "Because someone we love is in heaven there is a little bit of heaven in our home." How convenient that it arrived the same day my baby came. I walked into my home which had been cleaned by my friend and all 3 children were in bed. What a gift!

I went to my bathroom because those darn IVs pump you full of fluid and you have to pee like every 5 minutes. I saw my baby still in the bathroom and I picked him up. He was cold. I cried. Another piece of evidence telling me he was no longer alive. I was so sad. So sad. I cried some more. Then I wrapped him in a piece of cloth. I think his favorite color is teal and I happened to have some soft jersey type fabric. I placed his little body in a tiny wooden box that I had purchased. I had a friend tell me that the hospital/doctor tells you that you can flush the baby or take it to the hospital and they will dispose of it. I wasn't told anything so I made my own option. A tiny casket to bury him.

I didn't sleep well at all that night.

The next morning I opened the box. My baby had completely changed color and looked lifeless. Another piece of evidence telling me he was gone. I cried.

Today is Sunday. We went down to my in-laws to celebrate a birthday. On the way down I realized this was the 1st time I was away from my baby. My mind then reminded me I had left him home when I went to the hospital. I was frustrated that I didn't have more time with him while he looked alive. I am sad I didn't take a picture with him. I took a few of him in my hand. No, I won't post them, so you don't have to worry about seeing something you may not want to see. You can look up what a 9-week gestation baby looks like. The photos are pretty darn accurate. Anyway I cried thinking I should have another car seat in my car taking my baby with. Then my mind reminded me that it wouldn't have been until June.

This is hard. I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in the last 3 weeks. My baby is gone. And yet he is here. He is with me often. He isn't always in heaven. He has permission to be with our family. I told God last night that if he needed my son for a mission in heaven, he could borrow him. I still do not know if his spirit will come back to me through the next body or if he will remain a spirit and I will get to raise him in heaven. Either way, I have faith in God's plan for him, whatever that may be. I have much peace knowing that either way, that sweet baby of mine is sealed to our eternal family and this brings me much comfort and strength as I endure this trial.

Have I told you that I really haven't sat down and had a heart-to-heart with my Heavenly Father yet? I've prayed every night, but I have told him I didn't want to talk about the situation because it would open up a floodgate of tears. I didn't want to be sad. I didn't want to process all that was happening.  I didn't want to wake up with swollen eyes from crying so much. I didn't want the heartache. The night I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat I prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for this trial. I thanked Him for what I was going to learn and for who I will become because of it. I have a ton of faith, people tell me that all the time, so I asked Heavenly Father if I could use my faith to bring my baby back. He told me no because it was His will. I accepted his answer.

I think it's time I go have that heart-to-heart. Good night.

For those who need healing, I invite you to purchase a Healing Meditation for Miscarriages. 

Surrender

If I surrender, does that mean I am giving up? I believe the answer is no. I am surrendering my will and I am letting go of trying to control the outcome. No matter what I do, my body will not go into labor. This has happened with all of my pregnancies. My oldest was 8 days late and after 21 hours of induced labor, ended in a C-section. My middle child my water broke and I was so extremely happy. I was happy that my body knew how to go into labor and begin the process on it's own. Well 6 hours after my water broke I was not in labor. No contractions, no dilating, no progress. I was devastated. Why doesn't my body work like other women? I have many ancestors who had their babies without needing to be induced. What was wrong with me? Those thoughts plagued my mind. My youngest was also induced. So on the 26th after doing some energy work and my body beginning the process of releasing the baby, I was thrilled! It brought me peace and happiness for a few reasons. It gave me hope that my body could do this on it's own without intervention. It also calmed my mind knowing that the baby was for sure gone and I didn't need to go in for another ultrasound...just in case. Yesterday I worked on clearing negative trapped emotions from my womb and cervix. Immediately my body began to cramp. I was so excited because I saw this as progress. After a few hours, the cramping stopped completely. Not much has been happening throughout this whole process. No pain, no major releasing of what needs to come out. I called the doctor's office to give them an update. They have been kind and have been checking in on me. The doctor wanted me to come in so they could draw blood and run some tests. The doctor himself called me with the results in the evening. I told him I really wanted to honor my body for starting the process and that I wanted to wait another week to see what happens. My results were fine and he wasn't concerned with the results. He explained some concerns regarding how long this is taking my body and recommended that I take the pills sooner than later so I don't end up having further complications. 

I'm devastated. Yesterday I had given a friend an update and she said she was proud of me for not giving up and allowing my body a chance. I was grateful she said that, because that is how I felt. I felt like I should give my body the chance, especially since it began the process on it's own. It has been 10 days since nature began the process. It's been 34 days since my little boy's heart stopped beating. And here I sit patiently waiting. I've tried to help my body with oils, resting, praying, meditating, an occasional nap, a foot zone, baths, healthy meals, and energy work. I feel at this point it is time to surrender my hope of having a natural birth experience. For whatever reason, my body can't or won't do this. I am grateful that I live in a day and age where there are options to assist in moving the process along. 

I can feel your prayers. I feel a blanket of comfort and protection that I have been offered on behalf of your prayers. I feel my burden is light. Thank you for those who continue to pray for me and send your love my way. It is felt. It is comforting. It brings me peace. 

Gratitude to the women who have endured this trial in their lives

Over the last 17 years I have had a few handfuls of friends who have had miscarriages. It was because of their openness about their miscarriage, that made me feel comfortable to reach out to them and ask questions. I am grateful for their knowledge and yet sad for their loss, as well as mine. I am grateful to those who have reached out to me, letting me know they are here for me, because they too have been through this same situation. I am grateful that I am not afraid to ask questions and reach out to others. From the experiences of my friends, I have gained an understanding of the process of how this all works. I have friends who their body naturally passed the baby, others who took medication to induce labor, and some who have had the surgery. I am so grateful to those women who have shared their experience to help me see my options and to prepare me as best as possible on what is to come. 

So tonight, I am sending my friends gratitude. Thank you for being open, honest, and vulnerable as you have shared your experiences with me. Love to you all!

15 Days

It has been 15 days since my doctor's appointment. In a previous post I had mentioned if nature hadn't begun it's course, I would be taking the pills to induce labor. My plan was to take the pills on the morning of the 27th. All my children have been born on the 27th. On the 26th, I was finally able to get all my furniture moved and the majority of things organized. I sat in my glider and relaxed for the first time in what seems like forever. It felt so good to sit for a moment. I am always on the run and hardly ever sit down. This includes not sitting down to eat due to the minute my butt hits the chair, one of my kiddos needs something. 

Earlier on the 26th, I had finished reading The Emotion Code by Dr. Brad Nelson. I thought I wonder if I have trapped emotions that are preventing my body from going into labor. Sure enough, I found a handful, a few that were generational, and I released them. The last one I released was inherited grief. At the sight of the word grief and the thoughts of what my ancestors have gone through, I cried. I have had 30 female angels with me and 6 male angels supporting me through the last few weeks. Once I released grief, I knew some of those angels had left. I checked and sure enough I was down to 19. Not only were those angels there to support me in my grief, but they needed some generational healing and knew that I would eventually help them with releasing that heavy energy. 

The 26th I really tried to relax and take a break. I took a nice long bath with some essentials oils to help me relax. I wore a bright pink shirt with a heart and the word love in the middle. I wanted to love and support my body for what was to come. Obviously something I had done that day worked because that evening my body began the process. Every body is different. I have a friend who had her baby in 1 day and another friend who had her baby 7 days later. Here I am 4 days in and still no baby. It is hard waiting....and yet I am so grateful to my body for beginning this process on it's own. I am choosing to honor that my body gave me the peace of mind and began things naturally. I had thoughts of going in just one more time for an ultrasound. Just to double check. My mind was racing with thoughts of "would if". Would if I take the pills to force the baby out and there was still a heart beat? 

Saturday, not even 24 hours after hearing those devastating words that my baby had no heartbeat, I was walking into my bedroom and I had the thought that I would be teaching a lesson on Eternal Families on Sunday. I checked the manual, and sure enough that was my topic. I made it through teaching and was able to hold it together that Sunday. Good thing I teach 2 year olds and the lessons are only a few minutes long. :) 

One day while in thought, I looked at my photo collage in my entryway and tears began to sting my eyes as the thought entered my mind that my family photos would never be complete. 

It has been 27 days since my son's heart stopped beating. I wonder who he would have looked like. I wonder if he would have been a mama's boy. I wonder what his favorite color would have been. I wonder if he would have been a snuggle bug. I wonder if he would have been the best of friends with his older siblings. So many things I wonder about. I am so grateful that I have 3 beautiful children to love on that are here in the flesh. I know my angel son is with me. Occasionally I can feel him. I wish I had the gift to see angels, but as of yet, I have not found that to be one of my gifts.

Questions. Questions. Questions. I am open to either idea, but when talking to others who have lost their babies, some say that little spirit came through the next body, and others believe that the little spirit remains in heaven and we will have the opportunity to raise them after this life. I haven't a clue. Maybe one day I will find out what I believe. For now, I am open to either of the possibilities. 

Thank you again for all who have reached out! Thank you for your continued prayers. I have been lucky to have a few people text me here and there to check on me. I have had beautiful flowers delivered, chocolate, warm meals, french fries, drinks, cookies, a necklace, forget-me-not seeds, and hugs. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of others. It truly lifts my spirit when someone checks in on me. 

The Next Right Thing Lyrics

I was able to take my children to see Frozen 2 today. The baby only lasted maybe 15 minutes with him sitting and then we had to roam up and down the ramp and along the front of the movie theater. I am grateful that I was able to watch most of the movie. There is a song that Anna sings with a line that brought tears to the surface. Moments, glimpses, thoughts, and memories seem to sneak up on me and bring tears to my eyes. The Friday I found out, I was standing at my kitchen sink when I remembered that just the day before I had bought a Christmas stocking for baby #4.

I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over; the lights are out
Hello darkness: I'm ready to succumb

I follow you around (I always have)
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing

Can there be a day beyond this night
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction; I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor
When it's not you I'm rising for

Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing

I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And with the dawn what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing

One week...

It has been one week since my doctors appointment. I remember looking at the screen during the ultrasound and all of a sudden I felt that sensation like someone was behind me, but it wasn't one person, it was many. I was against the wall so no one in the flesh was there but I all of a sudden knew I had a lot of angels in the room with me and they were all looking at the screen. And then I heard "I'm sorry but your baby has no heartbeat." I felt a rush of energy flow through the front of my body to the back of my body as I lay on the hospital bed. I have never experienced that feeling before. The doctor stepped out of the room to give us time. My sweet 14 month old baby boy reached out to hug me and squeeze me three times around the neck. He pulled back and saw the tears running down my face. He used his tiny index finger and followed the path of my tears. Each time a new tear fell his little finger would follow the tear all the way down my check. He is the most tender-hearted baby I have ever met. I know he feels what others are going through. There have been countless occasions he will reach out to someone while opening and closing his little hands saying he wants them. He will go to people and give them a hug, sometimes pat their back while hugging them, and then he turns and comes right back to me. Who wouldn't want a hug from a sweet baby?

My brain still cannot comprehend that there is a baby inside my womb and yet it has no life. The doctor said there are three options. 1. Let nature take its course. He said the downside is that sometimes nature takes awhile to recognize what has happened. He said it could be two to four weeks, possibly longer. 2. Take medication to induce labor and have the baby at home. 3. Surgery known as a D&C. I like option one. At my appointment the baby was measuring two weeks smaller so here were are three weeks later since the baby's spirit left the body. There is absolutely no sign this little body will be exiting the womb anytime soon. Looking back at the birth of my other three children, I had to be induced with all of them. I'm waiting and hoping my body will go into labor on its own...but if not, I have chosen a date next week to take the pills. I came home with the pills on Monday and looked at the calendar to see what day I should have the baby. I was busy all week and then I cried because there wasn't a good day to have the baby.

Before this happened to me, I had known many of my friends who had already gone through this trial. Now that I have announced it, even more have said they too have gone through this. I'm grateful to the people who have reached out to me. I need connection with people. I am a very social person and thrive on connecting to others. I couldn't have the baby on Wednesday this week, because it was bunco night and this mama needs a monthly outing to connect with other women, and enjoy laughter, treats, and fun! I'm grateful for those who have brought in meals. Those who have dropped off treats. Those who have called or texted. It makes my heart happy to know that people are here to support me through this trial. We have had a few people bring in meals and a few meals overlapped. We have had leftovers all week. I've had to freeze some. Through this experience I've decided freezer crock-pot meals are a wonderful thing to take to someone in case you want an idea on how to help someone in this situation. Then you don't need to ask if they need a meal or when a good time will be. You can drop it off and say enjoy at your convenience.

Monday we got carpet in our basement. It has been one tough year for me waiting for our basement to be finished. Now that we are 90% of the way there (bathroom is all that is left to finish) and I can move things and organize things, I have decided to call this my nesting period. I'm nesting because my baby now has a due date next week, unless there are any surprises and the baby chooses an early birthday than what I have planned. For some reason they like to choose their own dates I have decided. Baby 1 came 8 days late. Baby 2 came 12 days early and baby 3 came 12 days early.

This week has been hard. I haven't cried for hours on end, I haven't laid in bed all day, but it has been hard. Some of those days I have stayed in my pjs but that is because I was moving furniture and doing some heavy lifting. I want you to know I really am doing okay. I truly feel uplifted by my angels and the prayers from each of you. I feel this is a little protection period for me to do what I need to and get things in order because next week when the baby passes, I have a feeling that is when the real hard grieving will take place. Remember prayers are always welcome. Love to you all!

An unexpected curve ball...

My womb is occupied and yet
it is empty with no sign of life.

My heart beats and yet the
baby's heart inside of me does not.

This is heavy. This cuts deep to my core. This hurts.

My heart is broken. I am grieving the loss of a child.

I’ve never wanted this trial. Then again, no one does.

There is a season and cycle to every living thing.

This season and cycle was too short for me. 

I love this sweet child of mine. Oh how I love this baby!

My heart is also full. I have the gift of being sealed to
my family for eternity. My knowledge of the gospel
brings me peace. I am so grateful to be a member of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
We know children who return to heaven are safe and
we will see them again. It may not be easy waiting,
but I am grateful to know I will see my baby again.
My child is safe in heaven. My sweet child lives and
I will be able to raise him/her in the next life.

What a blessing it is to know where my child is and
that I will be able to see my baby again. My heart
aches for those who do not have this knowledge or
these blessings through the sealing power of an
eternal family.

Even on the darkest days, we must remember that
the sun is still shining, even when we cannot see it.
When we choose to rise above the darkness, we will
find the sunshine and see things in a whole new light.
In this moment I’m choosing to see the light.
I’m choosing to feel the light. I’m choosing to let God’s
unconditional love in. It won't always be this way.
But right now, in this moment, I’m choosing to savor the light.

If you or someone you know needs healing. Please consider purchasing

a Healing Meditation for Miscarriage. It is a beautiful recording that has

helped me and others to heal from their miscarriage(s).

I purchased the above beautiful piece of Christ holding a baby on Etsy.
Click here for a link to the shop.