I don't typically think too far into the future. For instance, when I found out I was expecting my fourth child, due June 7th, I was excited that I would have a summer baby and my children would be out of school, so I wouldn't have to play bus driver with a newborn. Other than that, I didn't think about days or being pregnant on certain holidays. Mother's Day is tomorrow and my womb is empty and my heart still slightly broken.
May 7th marked 5 months since my miscarriage and exactly 1 month before my due date. My baby most likely would have been born this month. The same month I have my birthday. And yet, he had another plan. A plan I never could have imagined myself in.
There are moments I long for what I lost. Moments I wish I was pregnant. Moments my heart still aches. Moments tears begin to fall unexpectedly. Moments of sadness. Moments of flashbacks. Moments I never want to forget, like his birth and holding my sweet baby. There have also been many moments of peace. Moments of healing. Moments of happiness found in my other children. Moments I have felt angels lifting me up. Moments I have felt close to God. Moments I choose to cherish this Mother's Day.
I love this art titled "Lovingly Watched Over" by Kate Lee. You can find it at Deseret Book.
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