Thankful & Grateful

Staring at this blank page wondering where to begin. It has been two months since my miscarriage. Two months since I saw my baby in the flesh. Two months since I experienced one of the hardest days of my life.

As you may have previously read, I don't typically cry while I write. This time is different, the tears are already rolling down my cheeks. Did this really happen to me? It seems like a dream or a movie.  But it is my reality, a part of my story. The pain is real, the tender feelings in my heart are real, and the memories of that day are very real.

On the 1st Sunday in January I was helping my daughter fill out a "Get to know you" sheet that her new primary teachers had dropped off. There was a line asking how many brothers she had and their names. Tears stung my eyes because I still had not named my baby. My husband noticed the tears and asked me what was wrong. He told me to go pray about it and name the baby. I had a name in mind ever since the day after I found out my baby did not have a heartbeat. Naming a baby is very important to me. I hadn't even thought of names since it was early on in my pregnancy. It is a special experience to name a baby and I wanted it to be the right name. Through a tearful prayer, I felt good about the name that had been on my mind. I named our baby Emerson. The name means brave & powerful.

A few weeks passed since naming our baby. My husband mentioned since I had chosen a name for our baby, that I needed to add a photo of him to our family wall. It had been on my mind for a good week at that point, so I set out to find a frame. I have one ultrasound photo, three photos of Emerson after he was born, and the photo I keep using of Christ holding an infant in his arms. I went shopping to find the perfect frame. I had an idea in mind but kept praying I would find the perfect frame that would have two or three spaces for photos. I found the perfect frame at Michael's. 

Thankful I had the opportunity to fill my womb for a brief time. Thankful I have an ultrasound photo of my baby. Grateful I was able to experience giving birth to my baby at home. Grateful for the tender mercy that he looked so beautiful and alive after having passed away five weeks prior. Grateful that I have the gospel in my life and I know that my baby is safe in Heaven. Grateful for tender mercies throughout this experience. Grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who trusted me to be the mother of this sweet boy. Grateful to have Emerson's photo on our family wall.

One of the hardest parts of this experience is when the phone calls and text messages stopped. They stopped the first week after my miscarriage. I knew I had people praying and supporting me through prayers, but there were moments when I felt alone. I talked to a friend about it and she said she was still thinking of me but didn't want to keep bringing up the baby and make me sad. Every woman experiences loss differently, and I am one who is fine if you ask me how I am doing. For me, it is okay to talk about what I went through. If you don't know what to say, that is okay too. A hug or a simple "I have been thinking about you" is great. I won't break down crying and fall apart on you. You don't have to feel weird or awkward. Also, if you want to see a photo of my son, just ask. I am happy to show others. I didn't post them for the world to see, because not everyone wants to see.

Other than my second trip to the Emergency Room, and another incident of gushing blood three days after that trip, wondering if I was going to need to go to the E.R. for the third time...I've been doing okay. My hormones have had issues for a while...but physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I am doing okay. 

After I had Emerson, I wanted to have a break from life. I wanted someone to come take my children for a week so I could rest, heal, and grieve. But that didn't happen. I didn't have anyone who could help out by taking my children. Life went on. I found a few days during the month to get in a nap. I cried when I needed to. I got a Priesthood blessing when I needed one. And when I needed comfort, I would get the best hugs and squeezes from my youngest. He has been such a key to healing my heart.

A few weeks ago I was peeling a Halo for my youngest when I found a tiny slice. Tears stung my eyes as it reminded me of how small Emerson was. I compared this photo to the first photo I took of Emerson and this slice is even bigger than my son was. I am still blown away at how quickly a baby forms in the womb. He had arms and fingers, legs and toes, eyes and a mouth and I could see his ears forming. Grateful I was able to see and hold my sweet Emerson.

I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week to see if the "larger than a baseball" cyst is gone. Hoping to get good news next week. 

Buy one get one free for the Emergency Room please.

Monday December 30th. We packed up the mini van and headed to SLC to have a getaway as a family. We hit up Toads for arcade games and prizes. Hoagies corner for some ice cream. Savers cuz I like thrift stores. Then off to hang out with my brother in law. My children adore him. We went to the Provo Rec Center which was a blast! Water slides, lazy river, jungle gym to climb on with more slides, pool, and hot tub. Cache Valley really needs to get something like this indoors. It was so much fun! After swimming we went back to Carson's house to change and then head out to dinner. We sat down at Texas Roadhouse and began enjoying some rolls. We placed our order and the waiter said they were backed up on food so he would put our order in and then grab our drinks. 

About a minute later I felt a gush between my legs. I hurried to the bathroom to find all 3 stalls full. Once in the stall I found myself drenched in blood. It had soaked through the only pair on jeans I packed. As I sat on the toilet, blood was draining from my body. Flashbacks of my experience after having my miscarriage rose to the surface of my mind. Keep calm I told myself. Don't pass out I told myself. I texted my husband and told him to help. He called me and I told him what was happening. I told him to go grab a diaper from the car. I cleaned myself up the best I could with the ultra thin toilet paper public restrooms have to offer. I heard voices of mothers helping their children wash their hands. I unlocked the stall door and felt I was in a daze. I asked if any of them had babies and happen to have wet wipes and none of them did. 

Let me see if I can put words into what I was feeling. I felt alone. My vision felt blurred. I felt like I wanted to scream and say "Do you not know that I am gushing blood?! Please help me!" I felt frustration. I wondered why people couldn't see I needed help. I opened the door to find my husband holding pads and a diaper. Back into the stall I went. I sat there for a minute watching the blood drain from me so I could see how quickly it was coming out of my body. I had blood all down my thighs. I cleaned up again the best I could with the ultra thin toilet paper and stuck the diaper beneath me and pulled up my blood soaked pants. Luckily, when I first felt the gush at the table, I put on my coat which hangs a few inches below my rear to hide the blood. 

Carson and my husband gathered the kids and I went to find the server to tell him sorry but we had to leave and go to the ER. We had Carson drive since we were in an area where we didn't know where anything was. Pretty sure we hit every single red light. As we headed to the hospital my breathing was all over the place and I heard my husband tell me to breathe normal. So I took some deep breaths and distracted myself from the situation by texting the top ten maybe fifteen people who had recently texted me. I asked for prayers immediately because I was heading back to the ER, only this time somewhere in SLC. 

There was a line at the ER just to check in. Someone grabbed a pad to place beneath me and had me sit in the wheelchair. Someone took my information on a piece of paper and we waited. We probably waited 15 minutes before getting checked in. Once in the ER room Chad, the Crisis EMT gave me some pads and the hospital undies to put on. I said um I'm going to need the huge diaper ones that they give women who just had a baby. I can fill those tiny pads in a matter of seconds. A nurse brought me a brief with gauze. 

I got all cleaned up and climbed into the hospital bed. Thank heaven for wet wipes! The nurse took my blood pressure and put the heart monitor on my finger. The blood pressure monitor is supposed to measure your blood pressure frequently. They must not have set it because it never took one again. I sat there thinking I was grateful that my husband was with me because no one checked on me and with the blood pressure monitor not giving any nurses who may have been watching my vitals any information, I could have bled to death and no one would have known. Even when I took off the heart monitor and the alarm was sounding there was no heartbeat, no one came. Interesting observation.

Over an HOUR later I finally pushed the call button. Chad came back in and said they were busy and he would see if he could get a doctor in to see me. I will add that my bleeding had pretty much stopped by the time I had cleaned myself up and climbed into the hospital bed. There was a large clot that passed in the hospital before I got to my room and after that, things slowed way down. Apparently 6 cops, 2 ambulance workers, and hospital staff were trying to control an angry, psychotic, patient in a wrestling match across the hall. I was placed on the back burner. 4 doctors in the hospital plus 2 PAs and the ER had seen 140 patients thus far in the day. 

I was bored and felt the urge to go to the bathroom. There was not a bathroom in my room which turned out to be a blessing. I walked out my door as the doctor was about to come in. I told him I could wait to use the restroom. He wanted blood samples and to do an ultrasound to see if they could see anything in my uterus. I told them I had one on the 10th in Logan and it was fine. He said we should do one anyway. Well they want a full bladder when doing an ultrasound so lucky them, I didn't go use the restroom. 

The ultrasound tech was awesome. We were having good conversation and I was laughing, he was laughing, and then he put the wand on my abdomen and said whoa that is a huge cyst. I asked "Are you serious?" He replied "I love to joke but I am serious." I asked if I could have a photo of my cyst so I took one on my phone. The cyst is larger than my bladder which was full. Measuring just shy of 8 cm and over 3 inches diameter. That would equal larger than a baseball. I just googled the diameter of a baseball and it is 2.94 inches. I think my husband said my cyst was 3.15 inches. Shock. I've never had a cyst. At least not that I am aware of I should say. Shock from finding I have one. Rapid thoughts of another surgery, how did the tech in Logan not catch this, or it was rapidly growing in the last 20 days, from nothing to over 3 inches. 

On the left is the cyst and the right is my bladder.

On a super funny note....my husband said I was delirious but I get loopy when I'm super tired and I was super tired. It was in the 10 o'clock hour that I had the ultrasound. Any way back to something I found absolutely hilarious. SO funny that I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. On the screen the cyst and bladder are black and look hollow because they are filled with fluid. All of a sudden in the black I see a white tadpole swim across the screen in my bladder. As I am laughing I ask the tech what in the world that was. He said it was my urine entering my bladder. So he showed me again as more urine released into my bladder. Oh man...either late night or trying to find joy in the journey...or a combination of both. 

Back in my room the doctor came in... who knows how much time had passed since I received the news of my giant cyst. The nurse was right behind him bringing in dressers on wheels. She began pulling things out of drawers and I felt myself panic. They hadn't said anything about what they were going to do. I felt anxiety watching trying to figure out what was going on. The doctor said the ultrasound looks good. He was at the computer looking up the results from my previous ultrasound in Logan. As he was looking at the monitor I told him to make sure he looked at the right ultrasound because I had had two different ones that day. One on my empty womb and one for a possible blood clot. I continued watching the nurse prep for something and began to calm my mind telling myself they won't do anything without telling me what they are going to do. I recognized what she was items she was gathering and realized it was for a pelvic exam and then my nerves calmed. Then it hit me that the doctor had said my ultrasound looked good. I said "Wait a minute, you told me that the ultrasound looked good when I have a cyst the size of a baseball!" He said "Yes, but your uterus looks good."

The doctor did a quick pelvic exam and told me to follow up with my doctor in the morning. He said the gushing could have been from me starting a period or could have been leftover material from my miscarriage. He said remnants can kind of be like a scab and when it peels away your body flushes it out. He told me the cyst could burst and I would feel a little pain and cramping but my body would absorb it. He said to follow up with my doctor on what he wants to do about the cyst because if they get to be 5 to 6 inches, they could twist which could cause issues. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seems and I'm only 35!

I was in the ER for just shy of 4 hours, getting back to my brother in laws just after midnight. At some point in time in the ER, a girl from registration came in and said "You have a copay of $200, how would you like to pay for that?" I told her we had one of those plastic cards that you swipe. We talked about how that would not be a fun part of her job..."Oh you are in the ER and your spouse is having a heart attack and you have a $1000 copay. How would you like to pay for that?"  

On a side note, I have to say I had the best medical staff with the best personalities working on my care. They were down to earth, joking, and laughing right along with me, I felt completely comfortable and in good hands. Brooke, my nurse, was the sweetest bringing me warm blankets and hot pads. Chad and my husband hit it off talking about hunting and sheds. They practically became best friends when Chad said he could get my husband a Coke. Also when I was getting checked out I asked for a pair of scrubs since my pants were ruined. Chad returned and said "Here you go. One size that fits no one!" Ha ha! Nate my tech was funny. My doctor was great too. He got me laughing even harder than the ultrasound tech but I will save that story for when you ask me about it. :)

Thank you to my prayer warriors. I needed prayers quick cuz I didn't know what to expect. This situation completely caught me off guard. I thought my body was healing just fine from the miscarriage. To my friends who kept texting me asking how I was and checking on any updates, thank you! Thank you for your prayers and keeping me distracted by texting back and forth.  

I called my doctor's office Tuesday morning and my doctor is out of the office until Friday.

To read about my first trip to the ER 3 weeks prior, read He Is Here.

My Empty Womb

Reflections from my empty womb to His empty tomb. Jesus Christ, my Savior, and yours, suffered even more than we can imagine. He felt every single pain and emotion that we would experience on this journey called life. He knows each and every single person. He knows their strengths and their weaknesses. He knows their trials and triumphs. He understands heartache and pain more than I ever will. Christ suffered and died for the sins of the world. He took that weight upon himself. Because of His great sacrifice, it gives me hope. I know that He knows me. He understands me. He loves me. Because of Him, we have the gift of repentance. To fall short, repent, and try again. Christ lives! His tomb is empty because He lives! He lives and my son too will live again. He is always there during our trials. We may not feel him, but He knows what we are going through. He sends angels to help comfort us. Sometimes those angels are relatives who have past on and sometimes they are our earthly angels; family, friends, and neighbors. 

If you are going through a trial in your life that seems to heavy to bear, pray to have your burdened lifted, even for just a moment to help you through your trying times. I have done that many times and have felt the burden lifted for a time. Prayer is so powerful. You must have faith. Faith that God can do anything. Miracles happen every single day around the world. Look for miracles in your life. Focus on gratitude. Have you ever offered a genuine prayer of gratitude, asking for nothing in your prayer, but praising God for your life and the many blessings you already have or have had? I once took a challenge to offer a prayer of gratitude that lasted 20 minutes. Do you know how hard that was? I think I checked the time about 6 minutes in because I had run out of things to say. Try it. It is eye opening. There is so much to be truly grateful for. The night I found out my baby had no heartbeat, I prayed and thanked my Father in Heaven for this trial. I don't have all the answers as to what I am supposed to learn, but I know it is for my benefit. To humble me, to strengthen me, to have more understanding and empathy towards others who have gone through this, to push me out of my comfort zone, to become even more authentic, to refine me, and the list goes on...

As I am writing this, there is less than 5 minutes remaining and my baby will have been born exactly one week ago. Where has the time gone? It seems to have gone by so quickly. It is like a blur. Dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, eating, taking care of children, carpooling, sleeping, it all still took place. The world didn't stop just because my baby passed away. I remember my cousins funeral 11 years ago. It seemed so weird that the world still continued to turn. People were still driving around running errands, or going to lunch. Who knows what they were doing, but the world didn't stop. People still went home to their families. Life continued on for most of the world that day and only a small percent of the world even knew about my cousin's death.

I went into the hospital on Tuesday for an ultrasound. They check to make sure it is empty and things have cleared out. I've never had an ultrasound on an empty womb. I fought back tears. Less than 72 hours prior it was occupied. Occupied with a baby. Occupied with an earthly body. Occupied with a miracle. And yet the little heart inside of my womb had stopped beating 5 weeks prior. My womb is empty and my heart is heavy. 

My Empty Womb

Through muscle testing, which is a way to give your spirit a voice, I found out that my baby's heart had stopped beating on November 3rd in the morning. A friend and I were driving home that day from St. George. We had just attended the Energy Healing Conference on Saturday. I was able to go to some of the classes as well as help my friend at her booth. Anyway, we were driving home and we began doing an energy session on me. What came up was that I was disconnected to my angels. I thought that was a little interesting because I do not have the gift of seeing them, or hearing them, and very very rarely do I feel their presence, so in a sense, I feel I'm always disconnected from them. Another friend of mine a few years back was telling me she talks to her guardian angels every day. I admit, I thought she was a little crazy. And you all are probably thinking I'm a little crazy... I had never even thought that angels were always with us. I kinda thought they showed up in an emergency type situation. Another friend said she had never met anyone who didn't have two angels with them at all times. So this whole angel idea was new to me. 

Back to my energy session. My friend asked if my baby had a message for me. We found the message was in the Emotions and Essential Oils book under Holiday Peace. The message was "Holiday Peace... reminds that there are seasons and cycles for all living things." I remember feeling my energy shift. Our brains can think and process extremely quickly. I remember thinking uh-oh. And then my mind said I am fine, I have carried 3 healthy children, nothing is wrong. Then I had a flash back of me talking to a woman one day at lunch who was pregnant with triplets and lost one during pregnancy and she said that the spirit goes straight up when it leaves the body. Then I imagined how that would feel. All this took place in a matter of seconds and I snapped back into the present moment and pushed it all away and thought I'm fine. 

I don't know why, maybe hormones, but you have crazy thoughts when you are pregnant. You are always worried that you haven't felt the baby move or something could be wrong. So I thought what happened above was natural and pushed it away thinking it was just irrational, crazy pregnant woman thoughts. I found out through muscle testing weeks later, that my baby had actually passed away before he gave me that message. So my spirit knew what had happened and was feeling disconnected to my baby. Insert a whole wave of emotions as I type this all out. 

How interesting that the message from my baby was under Holiday Peace. We were going to announce we were expecting on Thanksgiving. I found out on November 15th that my baby had no heartbeat. I delivered him over 3 weeks later on December 7th. Right in the middle of two holidays. If you read the whole page on Holiday Peace, it is the oil of contemplation. It talks a lot about  reflecting on wisdom gained from the past and on generational healing. Something I have been working on through energy work since May. I occasionally will feel my ancestors near who need work done. Holiday Peace "...offers reassurance to the individual being called as the living link to heal the family line for past and future generations and encourages them to make peace within and without." I am that living link.

My Angel on a Tree

I'm learning so much through this trial. I attended a Share Parent meeting at Logan Regional Hospital last night. I had no idea a support group even existed until my friend told me about it. At the beginning you go around and share who you are and about your children on both sides of the veil. You can share as much or as little as you want. It was eye opening to see how many miscarriages women have had. Some had lost up to 4 children due to miscarriages. My heart goes out to them. We got to color an angel for each of our losses and hang it on the angel tree that sits in the lobby of the Women's Center. My heart sunk as I saw a line to write a name and a death date. I don't like the word death. It also reminded me that I still haven't chosen a name for my little one yet. It has been on my mind. My little angel is near the top and looking out the window.  

Share Parents is a group who help women at the hospital who have just given birth to a baby who has previously passed on. They are the ones who come in and take photos of your baby and make little molds of their hands and feet. They often give you a little blanket for your little one. They have been through their own losses and can relate. These are priceless gifts that each mother is given. My friends who have gone through this at the hospital truly cherish these priceless gifts of the molds and photographs. Share Parents has many resources on their website. This website is specific to Utah.

I also found out that there is an option if your baby dies before 20 weeks to have the baby cremated and the ashes placed in a vault in Baby Land in the Logan Cemetery. I had a few friends recently tell me about this. I had no idea that existed. A few women chose to buy burial plots. You can also have your baby buried at the bottom of your burial plot, so you would share the same plot with your baby.

A friend and I were texting the other day and she wrote "A loss is a loss." So often we compare, but she is right, a loss is a loss. May we always be kind to others and love them unconditionally as they navigate this life. We were not sent here to judge one another, but to lift, encourage, and strengthen one another. 

Adversity

It is true that I have not asked the questions "Why? Why me?" in this trial. I have asked those questions during different times throughout my life, but not now. 

About 8 months ago I was teaching the young women in my ward. I found great insight in the book True to the Faith on the topic of Adversity. Beginning on page 8 it reads "As part of Heavenly Father’s plan of redemption, you experience adversity during mortality. Trials, disappointments, sadness, sickness, and heartache are a difficult part of life, but they can lead to spiritual growth, refinement, and progress as you turn to the Lord. Responding to Adversity with Faith: Your success and happiness, both now and in the eternities, depend largely on your responses to the difficulties of life. An account in the Book of Mormon illustrates different responses to adversity. The prophet Lehi and his family had been traveling in the wilderness for several days, using their bows and arrows to hunt for food. The family encountered difficulties when Lehi’s sons lost the use of their bows. Laman and Lemuel’s bows lost their spring, and Nephi’s broke. Hungry and tired, Laman and Lemuel began to complain against the Lord. Even Lehi began to murmur. Nephi, on the other hand, refused to be discouraged. He went to work. He recounted: “I, Nephi, did make out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my father: Whither shall I go to obtain food?” Humbled because of Nephi’s words, Lehi asked the Lord where they should go for food. The Lord answered his prayers and led Nephi to a place where he could obtain food. (See 1 Nephi 16:15–31.) When some people face adversity, they are like Laman and Lemuel. They complain and become bitter. They ask questions like “Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this now? What have I done to deserve this?” But these questions have the power to dominate their thoughts. Such questions can overtake their vision, absorb their energy, and deprive them of the experiences the Lord wants them to receive. Rather than responding in this way, you should follow Nephi’s example. Consider asking questions such as, “What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial?” 

There have been many times I have murmured in life, even to the point of wondering if I am related to Laman and Lemuel. In the past I have let myself be a victim and ask those questions that have power to dominate my thoughts, and they did. This trial is different. It is one of the hardest trials I have ever faced and yet I have felt so much peace. I feel that is partly because of my faith and partly because of the prayers of others who I know are praying mightily on my behalf. To those who are praying for me, I thank you with all my heart, because I truly feel them. I feel they have made my burden light. Thank you for taking a few moments out of your busy lives to think about me and pray for me.

A friend reached out to me and asked me to share how I have "been of good cheer" through this trial. She was gathering stories of others for her talk on Sunday, what they have done to be of good cheer during trying times. This was my response: Even in the deepest moments of despair, we can choose gratitude. We can praise God for all He has freely given us. We can thank God for the trial and ask what lessons and hidden treasures there are in store. We can keep an eternal perspective. We can reflect on past blessings as a way to strengthen our testimony and keep us faithful during our trials. We can picture being wrapped in the loving arms of our Savior, for He is the only one who can truly understand the emotions we are dealing with. We can surround ourselves with people who love, support, and encourage us. We can choose to listen to uplifting music. We can journal and express our deepest thoughts. (Welcome to my journal.) We can pray and ask for angels to help comfort us. Yes, we can do all of these things or none of these things, but we must remember, it is a choice. We can choose to be a victim of our circumstances or we can choose to be victorious and be a light in this world. We all have trials. There are people who are suffering even more than we can imagine. In this trial, I choose light. I choose strength. I choose hope. I choose to turn to Christ and lean on His strength when I am weak. I will add that agency was our 1st gift. We have the gift to choose.

Yesterday I allowed myself time to grieve after I put my baby down for his morning nap. I drew a hot bath, grabbed my iPod, and a sugar cookie. I cried and I cried. My heart is hurting. I was angry that I didn't have more time to spend with my son because I had to turn my focus away from him and on to me so I didn't loose my life. I am angry I didn't even turn him over to see the right side of his tiny body. I was angry I didn't get a photo with him. I was angry mostly about my time being cut short with him to mourn right after he was born. He seemed perfect to me and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about my son. I was too exhausted after I got home from the E.R. and as you know when I picked up his tiny body, he was cold, so I wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in his tiny casket. While crying I prayed. I prayed for understanding. I remembered a priesthood blessing a neighbor had given me right after I found out my baby had no heartbeat. In the blessing I was told that in the future the reasons would be made clear. Then I felt Heavenly Father say to me that I chose this plan. I knew what was ahead on this mortal journey. Then He reminded me of my patriarchal blessing and how I am to be a light to others and influence many for good while I am here upon the earth. In recent years I have wondered how many is "many"? Ten people? Over a hundred people? Thousands? Tens of thousands? Who knows? Here I am just being me really. Raw, real, open, and authentic.

I would like to say thank you to those who have been reading my blog. Thank you for sharing it with others who may need to read what I have written. I am honored you are here on this journey with me.

Poem: What Makes a Mother

A dear friend shared this with me.

What Makes a Mother

By Jennifer Wasik

Written with love for all the Mother's missing their babies

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother And I know I heard him say: “A Mother has a baby This we know is true.” “But God can you be a Mother When your baby’s not with you?” “Yes, you can,” He replied With confidence in His voice “I give many women babies When they leave is not their choice.” “Some I send for a lifetime And others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb But there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this, God I want my baby here.” He took a breath and cleared His throat, And then I saw a tear. “I wish I could show you What your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile With other children and say: “We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom Who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep On her pillow’s where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her check And whisper in her ear “Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” So, you see my dear sweet one Your children are okay. Your babies are here in My home And this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me Until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home They’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother It’s the feelings in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother until their time is done. They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the best one.

Grief

Over 300 people read my first entry An Unexpected Curve Ball. There were also over 300 people who read He Is Here. Those were my main blog entries regarding my journey, but if you didn't know...there were posts between those two main entries as well as more afterward.

Shortly after I found out my baby had no heartbeat, I was at a thrift store and came across a book by C.S. Lewis titled A Grief Observed. The book is only 76 pages and I decided to read through it to see how I could relate. If I ever write a book, it better be less than a 100 pages. I prefer quick, easy, to the point books. Why oh why do people think they need to be over 300 pages? As a type 1 woman, I have lots of ideas, lots of interests, and lots of books I want to read. I will start 3-5 books in a week only to make it through 1 chapter in each book because I will get distracted by another good book that I want to read before the books I was already reading. Ya.....I know I'm not the only one out there who does this. I even began reading the book Finish: Give Yourself the Gift of Done by Jon Acuff, and ironically I didn't even finish it! Ha ha! I read half of A Grief Observed one night after I put my kiddos to bed. I wasn't even that interested in his book a few pages in, no offense to those who have read it. Reading it made me sad, not because of his grief, or my own grief, but sad that he didn't have the bigger picture like I do. The eternal perspective. The knowledge and reassurance that my baby is an angel and he is sealed to me through all eternity. 

The next evening I told myself I was going to give myself the gift of finishing so I could say not only did I start something, but by golly I finished it! So I finished it! Yay for me! There is one part that I want to share with you. I did not cry when I read it, but it was the only thing that tugged at my heart. I normally don't cry when I write my blog....I just brain dump. I don't even proof read my own stuff. Words just travel from my brain, down through my fingertips, and onto a blank canvas. I'm sure if I read this post tomorrow, I will most likely cry. 

C.S. Lewis writes "What St. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better than the dead, and the dead better than themselves. If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness has not lost a greater things, that she may still hope to 'glorify God and enjoy Him forever.' A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild."

Today was a busy day which made it hard because I wanted to schedule time to grieve and it just didn't happen. I had 2 trips to the hospital. The 1st was for an ultrasound to make sure my womb was empty. The 2nd was to get another ultrasound in radiology due to a possible blood clot in my leg. My day began at 7:30 a.m.: Wake up, make waffles, alarm goes off to head to the hospital, Ultrasound, see doctor, Christmas shopping, energy session, picked up kindergartner, back to the hospital, store for candy for class party, pick up school kids, back to store for a birthday present, home, laundry, headache, dishes, empty garbage, eat dinner, spent a few minutes talking to our dear friends who brought us dinner, a few tears shed, bathe baby and get him to sleep and get older kids to bed. It was late and I had tucked my kiddos in bed and sat down to write. Then my oldest came upstairs because he needed to finish wrapping a present for his friend's birthday party tomorrow. Then my daughter came up and reminded me we needed an 8 x 8 piece of cardboard wrapped in tin foil for an art project at school tomorrow. She also told me she had growing pains and needed an energy session. So I quickly worked on her and then my son asked for an energy session as well. By this point I was beyond tired. It was a busy day and where I released so much emotion yesterday, my body would have benefited from a nap. I was shooing them out of the kitchen so I could take time for me to be alone and grieve. It dawned on me that I really have not cried in front of my children. I need them to see that it is okay to grieve when you need to and there is no shame in crying in front of others. I don't want to send them the wrong messages that I'm not sad because they don't see it or that you have to hide how you are feeling. I will be having a talk with them tomorrow about emotions and healthy ways to express their emotions.

Another song that hit close to home on the radio. I love listening to K-Love! It lifts my soul!

Broken Hallelujah - The Afters

I can barely stand right now
Everything is crashing down
And I wonder where you are

I try to find the words to pray
I don't always know what to say
But you're the one who can hear my heart

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know you make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to you
Here's my broken
Here's my broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Here's my broken hallelujah

You know the things that have brought me here
You know the story of every tear
'Cause you've been here from the very start

Even though I don't know what your plan is
I know you make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call your name
Here's my broken hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken
Here's my broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Here's my broken hallelujah

When all is taken away
Don't let my heart be changed
Let me always sing hallelujah
When I feel afraid,
Don't let my hope be erased
Let me always sing
Let me always sing

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (here's my broken hallelujah)
Here's my broken
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (I will always sing)
Hallelujah (here's my broken hallelujah)
Here's my broken
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah